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purple1 
I went to a graduation party last night and while I was there, a friend of mine was playing with his baby, talking cute and just as happy as could be. All I could think of was how I wanted to give that to my husband. And what a failure I am for not being able to give it to him. I just want to cry, or give up, or something! I try to play it off in front of others, but it is getting harder to hide the way I feel. I don't want people to feel sorry for me, and I really don't want to take any of the joy from my friends when they are with their kids. But like I said, it is geting harder to hide the pain. A few people do know how it bothers me. And they understand why I do not go to baby showers and stuff like that. It helps some that I do have people that understands why I can't go. I know that all in all I am blessed to have what I have, as far as friends and a wonderful loving husband, but when you can't have childern, you feel like you are cursed!
As far as Ed (the one who abused me as a child) goes, I still feel the need to locate him. Yes he is like 65-70, but that is not all that old. He could still be molesting children. Every time I hear of someone being molested on tv, I look to see if he is the one who did it. I don't know how to locate him. I know that he ws in the military, and he also worked for a newspaper in the early 80's, but I have tried to look on one military site, nada. If anyone reading this has any suggestions, please, let me know!
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Feeling much better today. I have had sinus allergies, and I have had a bad headache the past couple of days, which has kept me in the house a lot. That has made me think more and more about him, and other things, but I made myself get out today, and it was a much better day! I have some meds now for my allergies, and should be able to get out more. I hope all who read this is having a wonderful day! xoxo to all!
I have been thinking more and more about him. I seen someone that looked like him today and my heart sank. I accualy looked up his number in the white pages today. I found some #s and called them. Not him. As the phone was ringing, my hart was pounding! I did not even know what to say if it was him. I just feel like I need to find him and confront him.
He has so messed up my life. I can't stand the color of green - he had a green nova - I hate the smell of old spice - that was his colone - I totally mistrust people esp men! Even after all these years, it is still affecting me. I think it is affecting me more as time goes on.
I completely understand the desire to have a child... it goes beyond the desire and becomes a NEED!! Much deeper than the need to live and function. It took me 7 years to have a child... I too was on clomid for 6 months with no luck, but it did make me VERY moody and I felt like a crazy woman. I went off of clomid in April and got pregnant in July/August. It actually made my hormomes levels too high.
Make sure you doc has tested your husband to make sure his sperm count is high enough... there are some Ph type test too that can be done. (see if your body chemistry is killing his sperm)
At the time I became pregnant, I had lost 70 lbs. (I went from 310 to 240) I honestly think that is what did it.
Good luck...
dreamerplpt