jennie4554's Journal

I truly feel I may be going crazy. I am not sleeping well. I used to love being in my bed. And now it's only good when I'm asleep. I hate turning out my light at night because my mind wanders and I end up sad or cared or confused. But not a t all peaceful. I've been crying a lot in the dark lately and I hate that the one place I could find some peace has gone. Last night I cried so much and today my eyes still hurt. I'm having flashbacks and although for the most part they're good, I can't confirm that they actually happened. I've been telling my shrink about all these great people taht were in my life and great things that are going to happen, but the people don't show up and the events never take place. And why would anyone who truly cares about me leave me all alone? mMaybe I've imagined all this stuff and it scares the hell out of me. I have no way verify this stuff, and no one who is coming forward to help me. If none of the stuff I imagined is true then I really am losing my mind. I am so anxious and sad that I am making myself sick. My stomache is churning and it feels like I'm gonna up-chuck any minute. The things I thought were gonna happen don't seem to be happening, so why bother with anything? Why bother cleaning or changing my sheets or making plans or washing my hair or even showering? I haven't cut myself in over 10 years and today I seriously considered it. I want a new book but I've been holding off because I thought someone else would buy it for me. But now i'm not so sure. I'm not sure of anything except the fact that I may be so much worse off than I ever imagined.