Journal

I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. 

Some come from ahead and some come from behind.              
But I've bought a big bat.  I'm all ready you see. 
Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me! 
~Dr. Seuss

I love the quote above, and I wish I had the courage and determination of Dr. Suess.  Over the past couple of months, my bipolar illness had become more manageable, and I had started to see glimpses of what I would call “stability.”  But just as I was beginning to think that I was entering a period of remission and renewed hope, the rest of my world started turning upside down.

My hubby was diagnosed over ten years ago with multiple sclerosis, and I knew he had the illness when I married him in October 2008.  Relapsing-remitting MS is similar to bipolar illness in that a) it affects the brain, b) it waxes and wanes, with alternating periods of wellness and illness, and c) there is no known cure.  I knew that there was a strong possibility of his symptoms returning, but since he was having extended periods of wellness (i.e. years), I wasn’t expecting him to get sick so soon.  For a couple of months now, his symptoms have returned, and he constantly has leg numbness, muscle spasms, and mild speech and walking problems.  He went to a neurologist, who put him on three days of Solu-Medrol and ordered a round of MRIs to determine if his illness had progressed.  At his follow-up appointment on June 30, we learned that he has a new acute MS plaque in his brain and several plaques on his spinal cord.  The new plaque in his brain is responsible for the new symptoms.  The MRIs also revealed mild degenerative disc disease, but my understanding is that people generally experience that as they age.  For the MS, the neurologist has prescribed Copaxone, which from most accounts seems to be helpful, yet with scary side effects like severe chest pain and heart arrhythmias.   

In addition to concerns about my hubby, I am scared to death about my mom.  I just returned from a visit to see my family.  I knew that my mom hadn’t been feeling well, but I didn’t know the full extent of her symptoms.  She doesn’t like to cause me to worry, particularly because she thinks stress will make my bipolar symptoms worse (she’s right).  I was stunned at how much weight my mom has lost, and she explained that she has been bleeding, along with having other gastrointestinal symptoms.  I’m afraid that she may have colon cancer.  My sister and I finally convinced her to see a GI doctor, and she has an appointment on July 7th.  I hate being so far away from her at a time like this!!!

Finally, in addition to dealing with my family’s illness, I am experiencing rejection from my hubby’s family.  Initially, when they heard about my bipolar diagnosis, they were stunned, yet sympathetic.  His great-aunt and sister-in-law even sent me nice cards with prayers and encouragement.  However, they recently have decided that I have made up my bipolar diagnosis because I “don’t act bipolar.”  They also indicated that had they known that I might be bipolar, they wouldn’t have supported our marriage.  All of this really hurts, because I really like his family and want them to accept me.  What does it mean exactly to “act bipolar?”  Do they feel that I’m not bipolar because I smile a lot and always seem happy…because I am very accomplished at hiding how I feel?  Maybe they have this stereotypical image of how a bipolar individual should act, and I don’t act that way?

In any event, I’m trying to have faith that through my prayers (the biggest bat I have) and the prayers of others, my mom and my hubby will be well again.  And hopefully, over time, my hubby’s family will come to understand the different faces of bipolar, and that we all deserve love and acceptance exactly the way that we are.

I rely on you to make me whole,

To fix this illness beyond my control,                                                             
And yet you cause me so much pain.
Is there really that much more to gain?

My stomach in spasms, my vision blurred.
The doctor says, “Take more!”  Why, that’s absurd!
I wonder what it is you do to my brain,
For this illness is one they can’t explain.

Try as I might to understand why
This illness can make me want to die.
I’m left with more questions than answers it seems.
Finding a cure for bipolar is only in dreams.

Will you fix me and make me happy again?
Can I have my life back, and if so, when?
For if you can’t help me, perhaps nothing will.
I’m looking for a miracle in one little pill.

I just returned from a wonderful visit with my family.  I miss them so much!  I'm fortunate that they are supportive and accepting of the fact that I am struggling with bipolar illness, even though they do not always understand the symptoms I am experiencing.  It is often their phone calls, emails, and prayers that keep me going.

After much thought, I finally decided that my in-laws should know about my illness as well.  Recently, my hubby and I were going to make a trip to visit them, but on that day, I was much too sick to go.  So, after my urging, my hubby went without me.  I had been extremely concerned about the stigma I would face from them once they knew about my illness.  However, I don't want to hide my illness anymore.  For one, it's hard on my hubby not having anyone close to him who knows about my illness to "vent" to.  Also, how can I support others who have the illness if I am not willing to admit to them that I have it as well?

According to my hubby, his family was much more accepting of the fact that I have bipolar illness than what we were expecting.  However, I fully anticipate that the next time I see them (or before), they will have lots of questions and some uncertainty as to how to act.  Hopefully, they will gain a better understanding of the illness by reading the book we gave them ("Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder," by Julie Fast and Dr. John Preston).  This is definitely one of the best books for bipolar "beginners" that I have ever read!  I also plan on sharing as much as I can from personal experience once I feel well enough to do so in person. 

As far as my illness is concerned, it hasn't released its firm grasp on me yet.  Dysphoric mania is still my worst enemy.  My cycles seem to come every 3-4 days now, but there are very few days when I can say that I am completely "stable."  My pdoc had originally scheduled me for an appointment earlier this month, but then sent a letter to cancel and automatically rescheduled me for another day.  No matter how I looked at it, sending a letter revealed a lack of compassion, poor customer service, or both.  Because the rescheduled appointment was during the time that I would be out of the area, I had to call and reset the meeting for tomorrow.

At this point, I'm pretty certain that my dosage of Lamictal will either have to be increased or I will have to add on another medication.  I still consider Lamictal to be my life-saver, because it has (for the most part) taken me out of the deep caverns of despair and allowed me to claim some of my life back.  I still have a long, long way to go, but I refuse to give up.