pokiedotmom's Journal

I am in a bad place right now. I have been dx with clinical depression several years ago ( 10 or so) and I know that I am relasping. I need to be on some meds to help me out of my slump but there isn't any therapists in my town. I did get some meds from the general doc but they make me really sleepy, even during the day so I don't like to take them. I guess I will just have to do with that for now.

If I knew someone who would take care of my two girls I would check myself into a center just so I could curl up in a ball and sleep and have someone else take care of me for once. I can't talk to my husband because he doesn't understand what it is like. I thought about asking my Dad but he had to take care of me when my mom was hospitalized with depression after I was born. I don't want my kids to know that, I don't want to let anyone down either. I am supposed to be stronger than this. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just snap out of it.

I know that I need to think of what is best for me so that I can be a better mother and wife so why am I so scared to do anything about this. Who do I turn too? My best friend who is ALWAYS there for me( I bother her enough with just my normal junk) or my sister who would help me but she is switching jobs and we live 3 hours away. I don't want to burden anyone with my troubles, I should take care of this on my own.

My husband isn't very supportive. When I am really bad it scares him when he notices but he is usually wrapped up in his own world and I am scared to talk to him about it because he has become so cold hearted towards others because he is taken such advatnatge of. Sometimes he has made some stupid comments and I really don't think he even realizes how much they hurt me. My mother was bipolar and he said one day he thought I was. That is my greatest fear, he has made comments of putting my daughter in a padded room when she gets out of control, he thought she was bipolar but it turned out being ADHD from him. She does have the anxiety from me too.I am getting emotionally unattacted from him. He is so heartless at times. He has his own issues that he doesn't want to deal with and that is a whole nother can of worms. He doesn't mean to be cruel at times but he is and I am the type to not stand up for myself.

I feel bad that my daughter is going through the anxiety that was passed down from me, I worry that both the girls could develop depression like me. I want to be a good example and show them how to live with this but I am not doing really good right now. I really just want to lay down adn go to sleep and not ever wake up but then I think of my girls growing up without a mom like I did and I WON'T do that to them. I love them too much. It is hard right now with the oldest being dx with ADHD and OCD. The little one is picking up bad habits from older sister so it is like I have two of them. All my family is 2 hours a way at least. I know no body in town that I trust to bare my soul to. I live in a small town and am learning about small town politics. We live in the country which I LOVE, I don't like to be bothered and I don't like to have people close to me.

I have an ob visit in May so I am hoping to get a refill on my meds and by then maybe my ob can help me figure out what is going on. I am having lovely female problems and thought I might be going through early menopause. I don't really think that now but something is going on. Mayeb it is just the depression. I just want it to go away. I hate this. I just want to be happy. I have two wonderful girls( what I always wanted) and a good husband. Sometimes he has his brain farts but he is good to me. He loves me and takes good care of us. He didn't have a good role model so sometimes I should really just slap him up side his head like he tells me to so he knows to pull his head out but I don't want to make him feel bad. He is trying. I just really would love to have someone take care of me for a change.