pokiedotmom's Journal

It seems everytime things get tough I think of running, it used to work when I was single, just change my number or stop answering the door but now it isn't possible. I am married for 12 years now and have two kids and no job. To run would mean to uproot my girls and start over, pennieless. I can't do that to them or to him.

So why do I want to run, because I can't talk to him and I don't know if I do if he will actually listen. He doesn't listen anymore, it just goes in one ear and out the other. We don't have a relationship anymore and he has a hard time dealing with our oldest. She has been dignoised with ADHD and OCD but think it is actually bipolar. He doesn't help me try to figure this out, he just wants the doctor to give her a pill to fix it so he doesn't have to put the effert into it. I guess I shouldn't say that but it is the impression he is giving me. I know he misses me and I miss him but I don't get any kind of emotional support from him anymore.It is hard to be intimant with someone who doesn't hold you when you cry or tells you,"whatever you want to do, I'm not stopping you." when you tell him about your dreams or my favorite when I try to get his help with our daughter he just says," I don't know what to tell you to do." The only time he listens to me is when I am talking about something that interests him. I can honestly tell you that if I never had sex again it wouldn't make a hill of beans to me. 

Our daughter is extremely dependent on me. She has to be because Daddy isn't there for her either. She knows that if something goes wrong it will be blamed on her. She won't goto sleep at night without me next to her( she is 5 1/2), if she wakes in the night and I am not there she gets upset and starts to scream. She is extremely emotional, will cry at the slightest thing and is quite sensitive also. She got broke the skin on her finger on sunday and by the time I got to her she was hysterical.I couldn't get her calmed down and I started to think she had broken it. It was just a little blood but it hurt because she put it in a metal windmill that was spinning fast( not the first time mind you). She had a bad day on the bus on monday, her older friend hasn't been letting her sit with her on the bus and she is heartbroken. She loves this older girl adn I think she has just gotten irritated with her. She seems to be a nice girl and I don't think she is doing it to be mean to her but my daughter just doens't understand.  She sometimes has problems understanding social clues from others. It depends on the day, he has no compassion for her when she is upset. He doesn't even know what is going on because he came home yesterday and said maybe 5 words to us all. He didn't even say hello to me. Either he had a bad day or ran out of money for cigerattes. He is an instant jerk when he doesnt' have his cigerattes, no need to add water, just kind of snaps. I hate when he is like this. 

I don't know what to do. I know if I was more intament with him and we had more of our time again he would be happier but just can't get in the mood when I am the only one carring the load of being a parent. I hate to say it but he is being very selfish, it is all about him and he doesn't even think about how it is effecting us. I did have a job during the holidays but quit because he just was such a jerk to the oldest when I was working and when I came home he hadn't did any of the stuff that I normally do when he is at work. I had a partime job at work, a full time job at home and then had to clean up the mess he had made with my daughter. 

I just don't know what to do, it would be so much easier if I could just pack us up and run but that isn't smart or possible. I am not putting my girls through that but is keeping them here worse. Too many questions in my head and not enough answers and support.