Journal

It seems everytime things get tough I think of running, it used to work when I was single, just change my number or stop answering the door but now it isn't possible. I am married for 12 years now and have two kids and no job. To run would mean to uproot my girls and start over, pennieless. I can't do that to them or to him.

So why do I want to run, because I can't talk to him and I don't know if I do if he will actually listen. He doesn't listen anymore, it just goes in one ear and out the other. We don't have a relationship anymore and he has a hard time dealing with our oldest. She has been dignoised with ADHD and OCD but think it is actually bipolar. He doesn't help me try to figure this out, he just wants the doctor to give her a pill to fix it so he doesn't have to put the effert into it. I guess I shouldn't say that but it is the impression he is giving me. I know he misses me and I miss him but I don't get any kind of emotional support from him anymore.It is hard to be intimant with someone who doesn't hold you when you cry or tells you,"whatever you want to do, I'm not stopping you." when you tell him about your dreams or my favorite when I try to get his help with our daughter he just says," I don't know what to tell you to do." The only time he listens to me is when I am talking about something that interests him. I can honestly tell you that if I never had sex again it wouldn't make a hill of beans to me. 

Our daughter is extremely dependent on me. She has to be because Daddy isn't there for her either. She knows that if something goes wrong it will be blamed on her. She won't goto sleep at night without me next to her( she is 5 1/2), if she wakes in the night and I am not there she gets upset and starts to scream. She is extremely emotional, will cry at the slightest thing and is quite sensitive also. She got broke the skin on her finger on sunday and by the time I got to her she was hysterical.I couldn't get her calmed down and I started to think she had broken it. It was just a little blood but it hurt because she put it in a metal windmill that was spinning fast( not the first time mind you). She had a bad day on the bus on monday, her older friend hasn't been letting her sit with her on the bus and she is heartbroken. She loves this older girl adn I think she has just gotten irritated with her. She seems to be a nice girl and I don't think she is doing it to be mean to her but my daughter just doens't understand.  She sometimes has problems understanding social clues from others. It depends on the day, he has no compassion for her when she is upset. He doesn't even know what is going on because he came home yesterday and said maybe 5 words to us all. He didn't even say hello to me. Either he had a bad day or ran out of money for cigerattes. He is an instant jerk when he doesnt' have his cigerattes, no need to add water, just kind of snaps. I hate when he is like this. 

I don't know what to do. I know if I was more intament with him and we had more of our time again he would be happier but just can't get in the mood when I am the only one carring the load of being a parent. I hate to say it but he is being very selfish, it is all about him and he doesn't even think about how it is effecting us. I did have a job during the holidays but quit because he just was such a jerk to the oldest when I was working and when I came home he hadn't did any of the stuff that I normally do when he is at work. I had a partime job at work, a full time job at home and then had to clean up the mess he had made with my daughter. 

I just don't know what to do, it would be so much easier if I could just pack us up and run but that isn't smart or possible. I am not putting my girls through that but is keeping them here worse. Too many questions in my head and not enough answers and support. 

My daughter graduated prek on the 16th. She has anxiety issues and am so very proud of her. She stood up and got her certificate from the teacher infront of alot of people. She did great, she really only wanted the backpack with the goodies in it.  That's ok. She did also show great compassion for her teachers which made me even more proud. Her teacher is going to another school to teach in another town and the teacher started to cry when she told everyone about this. My little girl started to cry too, it broke her heart to see her teacher hurt. That night when we cuddled for bed she started asking questions about her teacher and she had a good cry about going to another school and missing her teacher. I explained to her that she will always miss her and it is ok to be sad but she will have more teachers and friends for along time. She asked me about my old teachers and friends and if I missed them. I must say I do. My little girl has such a big heart and it makes me so proud.

How have I lost myself? I used to be very creative, full of patience and very compassionate. I have somehow lost me.

I am a wife and mom. I have been married for 11 yrs, have a 4 1/2 and 3 yr old, both girls how are very strong willed. I am quiet, shy and never stand up for myself. I was full of life when I first met my husband but have put ALL my effert into him and the girls that now I can't tell you what I really enjoy doing. I used to love to garden, I do like to bake and I was very creative. If I sat down I could create all kinds of things, my mind was always coming up with artist ideas.

Now I can't remember to get gas before the 10 mile drive home out of town. I try to sit down and doodle on a piece of paper but it doesn't come anymore. I really want to start on my house now that the girls are bigger and decorate it with MY style but I just can't get the juices flowing. What is wrong with me? How do Iget this back? I really want my girls room to be special and creative. I want them to feel cozy and safe and at peace in their rooms but I just can't get it out of my head. Maybe i am trying too hard.

Well, it is 10 pm and my 4 yr old is still awake so I must help her goto sleep. I am needed once more.