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January 8th I am still having some pain on the side of my face and jaw. Today my father is suppose to go to Co Springs to go see a Doctor about some procedure for a clot in a artery in his neck. I am going to go this afternoon to see Nurse practioner about my headaches. It just seems like its one thing after the other. The otherday I just could not stop crying. I have failed at everything I do or try in my life. I am so depressed. I dont know if that has anything to do with my headaches and my back pain. I have been denied ssi so many times its not funny. I have lost count of how many times I have failed at something in my life. I feel like just one big failure at everything I ever attempted in my life. Yes I pray but I must confess that I dont always feel like God is listenig to me. I sometimes think I am going to just have a nerous breakdown of sorts. I am so alone in all this. My sister isnt helping matters any also. My younger sister has alot of stress from her job. Other day she told me that I should have fixed my problems years ago. I just start thinking of my past. How I really have a terrible resume. Heck even I would not hire myself. I am so scared of the world sometimes. I have lots of fears. I know I should be getting treatment for my depression and my negative thoughts and actions. But I just cant right now because of lack of funds$$$$$. I really feel sometimes like I am a bit suicidal. See I just dont think that it would matter to anyone if I was not around here anymore. Is this all there is for me? Pain? I watched interview with Patrick Swaze last nite. He is trying so hard to LIVE for the sake of Loving his life and his wife. He is a brave man I think. He has alot to live yet for. I dont feel like I have anything to live for sometimes. See the doctors just say that I have to Cope and get on with my life with the added bonus of chronic pain. I think 2 much sometimes. I just come on here and write my thoughts sometimes. I will go to the Nurse Practioner and see what she says. I dont know what tomorrow holds for me. Except I am sure of one thing. Tomorrow I will have Pain. Its become a regular part of my daily life just like that. I am so alone. How much more am I suppose to take. Im trying to carry my cross just like Jesus did. I have been dragging my cross and sometimes I just feel like the road is far and deep for me to take. My thereapis at the Mental Health place called me a fighter. But I dont feel like one. I feel more like Im backed into a corner and there is no way around it but to fall down. I hope all of you feel better than I do. Im sorry Im so pathetic. Truly I am sorry. Im just having one more bad day when I need to vent I guess.
January 6th. Felt fine this morning when I woke up but then around 930 the TMJ headache started. I called my doctors office. Found out he is going to be taking anohter vacation in January last weeks. So Thursday I am going to go see The nurse practioner that works at Valley Wide Healthcare. I am going to tell her about my TMJ headaches and how frequent they have become. Chiropractic seems to only help for a short term fix. I dont know what more to do. Nurse prctioner has only so much that she can do for me I know. I will tell her about my depression on Thursday. I have not been comming online everyday because of my headaches. I feel very dizzy with these headaches. Spent part of the day laying down because of the dizzyness and dthe pain on the side of my head. I am not sleeping very well either. My father is going to see a doctor about a clot in his neck. He has to go on Thursday to this clinic. So I hope that this doctor will know what to do to help my father. I am glad that the weather has been milder here for the past 2 days. It gave me a chance to go and get some moneyorders to pay some of my bills. Even though they took 30 dollars away from my monthly income called state AND. There is a woman who walks to the store who passes our house everyday rain or shine. I found out that she was trying to get disability and today I found out that she was happy that she got her disability. She does not look disabled to me. This woman walks to the store like 5 times a day and buys groceries everyday like clockwork. She is like 50 yrs old and she looks in much better shape than me. Yet she got disability??? I dont know how she did it. Maybe on Mental issues perhaps. See she told my dad that she is on a diet to loose weight. She thinks that she is fat.....she is like 5ft7inches and probably wares a size 5 in jeans and she thinks that she is fat???? I think I am fat. Try a size 16 jeans and 170 lbs thats me. I know that I am much fatter than this lady. She smokes much more than me. She goes down the store everyday to buy cigarettes. I dont smoke like that lady. My headaches are more frequent than ever. I really feel lost. I dont know who to ask for help with this problem. Nurse practioner will probably just tell me to take some asprin or something. But I will go since my mom told me I should. She said these headaches could be something more serious. I Just know that I hurt. My back still bothereing me. But since I have been staying laying down it does not hurt since I am horizontal for several hours feeling like dizzy headache pain. I will see what the Nurse practioner can do for me. I dont care for Valley Wide Health care systems as they call themselves. I really miss having a doctor who really pays attention to me. But since I have no insurance I am like treated like the shit at the bottom of a swimming pool. It sucks to have pain and no remedy to feel better. I cry everyday. At least one hour everyday. Im depressed.
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January 4th I think. Its a sunday I think. Anyhow...... I am having a TMJ headache today. Yesterday was better than this morning it started again. I had my haircut short. I needed to get a trim I was begining to look like an unruly person. Put down the christmas stuff all of us here at home did this. SO finally things are back in the basement in boxes. I did not clumb the stairs because I felt dizzy with this headache of mine. I have a apointment with my doc in about 2 more weeks. I need to ask him to refer me to someone who can help me with these headaches and my neck and shoulders ache also. I dont like feeling so dizzy. It feels like a bad hangover. Only I have not drank any alcohol in a long time. It is starting to affect my sleep and also my hearing. Loud sounds bother me I noticed. I know I have not been on line as often as before. Just feel kind of hopeless right now. I hate my doctor that is for sure. He told me that these headaches are brought on my tension and anxiety????? Its alll TMJ I know it. I have all the smptonms like the popping and clicking of my jaw. My jaw locks sometimes and I cant open my mouth very wide sometimes. I have had this for years. What I dont understand is why it is bothering me so much right now. On average it bothers me at least 4 times per year. Its getting worse as I get older. A couple of persons that I consider just aquantances gave me Christmas gifts this year. I did not bother to buy them any gifts. I consider them aquantances because they only chat with me when it is convienant for them. I dont like pretending that they are friends when they treat me like a total stranger sometimes. One of them is particularly harsh with me when she tells me to (Oh stop being that way). I dont understand what she means when she says this to me. I am not going to pretend that we are best friends when she only chats with me when she feels like it. Other than that I might as well be a bug on the wall. I should probably give the gifts back to them. I dont know what is proper any more with persons such as these. A real friend is one who truly cares about you no matter what. Not one who pretends she dont know you. You know to tell you all the truth I dont think I have ever really had a Best Friend in my whole life. Really this is the truth. What is it like to have a Best Friend anyway????
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I am sorry the TMJ is still bothering you so much... I hope you can get referred to someone who will be able to help you with it. I've never had a real-life best friend either... so you are not alone. I agree, real friends would not turn the friendship off and on like that... real friends are the ones that are friends regardless of whatever may happen in your lives.
Sending hugs and smiles for you... take care... xxx
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Sweetie, You are sounding depressed. I have been depressed too lately. The constant pain is really getting to me. A best friend is someone who is always there when you need them. Not many of us who are sick and in pain have one. I am fortunate to have a friend who has been a part of my life for 30 years. But... Jesus is my true best friend. He is always there for me and loves me unconditionally and doesn't judge me when I am imperfect. I will be praying that you get some help with a good doctor soon. Love You, Rhonda
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Oh, no! Hope the TMJ will leave you alone very soon! Friends tend to dessert people when we become disabled for some reason. Lotsa people I knew seem to have disappeared from my life in the last few years, and some of them, I'm kinda glad they're gone! ha! Sometimes, I enjoy the peace and quiet more than the people, especially on bad days. And the DS friends I've made are great! xxx
I am so sorry that you are getting so depressed. You should go to the clinic at least. There maybe something really wrong. Please don't hesitate. We care about you.
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Mary, sorry to hear you're having so many problems at one time. Don't know if this will help or not, but the killer headaches get me if I stay up too long...they come from the back problems. Hope your visit to Valley Wide will get you some much needed relief. Please keep me posted on how you're doing! Hope to chat with you again soon. xxx
kangahop
I'm sorry you are feeling so down... it sounds like you are really struggling with all you have going on. I wish I could wave a magic want and fix some of your pain. Please don't give up trying to get help, I know it can feel like a waste of time but you have to keep on telling people how bad your pain is... and how much it is affecting your life... it is the only way to finally find someone who is willing to listen and help.
Sending hugs and smiles for you... take care... xxx
GTK