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hevy 
Been struggling today with my own self. All the shitty, crappy things I've done to make my life and my marriage a wreck. Trying to sort out where it all began. Why did i let this happen to me? Now, with all that's happened, I'll prob. lose my wife. I just haven't really been able to let myself tell her 100% of all that happened because I just don't want to hurt her anymore than I already have, but she deserves the respect of knowing. I fear that telling her anything more or changing what i've already said to include more, she'll be done with me.
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People don't intentionally go out and have an affair. Most people (98 percent I would think)from reading the posts, start theirs as an innocent friendship that just builds from there. Don't be so hard on yourself. There are marriages that work after an affair. Even some like your case where there is more than one.
Counseling will help get all the issues on the table from both sides. It's not easy to be honest but it's a must to get past all the hard parts. It will be a long road for your wife's recovery if she choses to work on your marriage. You just have to have patience and be willing to come clean about EVERYTHING. Even things that you wouldn't think are important. She is going to want to know every little detail. Who, what, where, how, and especially---why. You WILL have to answer every question. As far as how detailed, you will have to ask her how much she can handle before you answer. Let her know that you don't want to hurt her anymore than you have to when answering her. She will go through so many mood swings. She will be fine one minute and then lose it the next. When she does lose it, she will want you to comfort her. When she cries, there can't be too many "sorrys" said. Ask her what you can do to help her feel better. You will have to be transparent in everything that you do. Where you go, what your doing, who your talking to etc. You will have to give up passwords to e-mail addresses and perhaps trade or give up your cell phone.
You are going to go through so many ups and downs. You have to be willing to go through all this if you plan on working things out with her. You will have to EARN her trust again. She may never trust you 100 percent again. You will have to be able to accept that.
If you haven't ended it with the OW already, then you will HAVE to stop ALL CONTACT. If you work with her then you will have to quit your job or the OW will have to. No if's, and's or but's. You will go through a depression for the first month or so getting over your feelings of the OW. It will be hard for your wife to see you suffering and needing comfort when she is suffering and needing comfort too. Your feelings for the OW will die down with time. You will see the affair for what it was. People will tell you that it was just a fantasy and that your feelings were not true. There is a group here that another cheater (Infidel) started. He is on a great path with his wife. If you decide to work things out then I would see if he would be your friend because he will help you with what he has gone through so far. His group is called "Out of the Fog". It's for cheaters who are working on their marriage and it's a great support system for you.
I have learned so much from this site. Even though my H and I made the decision to divorce, we are still friends. We grew apart years before his affair so it wasn't as hard for us to come to that decision. The affair made it come that much sooner. Our kids are happy that we get along now. My biggest concern was for my kids but they see how this was the right choice for us. They are teenagers and they are not stupid by any means. They knew for a long time that it was over so it didn't come as a shock to them.
Sorry for the novel here.lol
I just want you to be all right. And I want your wife to be all right too. Maybe she can join this group too and get some support...just a thought.
hrtbrokn