hevy's Journal

Ok....so this weekend wasn't ALL bad. Saturday came and went rather quickly. Late Saturday night, she texted me again, but I left it until Sunday morning, when she started doing it AGAIN. I mean, damn, we're in the same house. Anyhow, I went upstairs to talk with her about what she texted me and we ended up talking for like 3-1/2 hours. It was NOT fun, indeed. It was, though, somewhat enlightening in that she was easily able to point out how I had failed her more and more since the birth of our daughter in 1988, as well as the time before that and after. Telling me how it just kept getting worse for her and that I never made her feel special. Well, lemme tell ya, I was there and it wasn't all that bad. Yes, I can see where there were times that she cried and asked me to just be there with her and hold her and make her feel loved. And yes, I do realize that on many of those occassions, I did walk out the door to go and hang with my friends. The bottom line here is that I am not that person anymore. We're talking about a guy, who in 1988, was only 28 and still immature. The other thing is that she was able to go from time frame to time frame describing what she felt I removed from our relationship. The entire time, I kept my mouth shut even though I did not agree with most of it (like her telling me over n over again about the pain of 3 births and how i could never understand, duh).

Now, after all that, and her not admitting or alluding that she had ANY shortcomings in our relationship during all that time, I am even more cautious about continuing our relationship and marriage. She can't and won't let ANYTHING GO and clings to the past like a warm blanket on a winter day. I asked her, out of sheer curiosity, if she had taken ANY time to go to the library or book store and even look at any books in regard to marriage - relationships - divorce/separation - cheating - etc... and her answer was that she had no interest or desire to do so because "other peoples experiences cannot possibly help us".... very close minded.

Then, to top it all off, today she texts me "hope ur having a good day, just thinking about you" then followed by... "I want us back" followed by... "and i want u more than i can say"... followed by "and none of that means anything unless u want it too". Now, I'm no rocket scientist or genius, but for a woman to sit for hours and tell me how I have failed her since the 4th year of our marriage to now, finishing with taking out trust and love, and then send me that the following day. IT MAKES ME VERY ANGRY AND CERTAINLY DOES NOTHING TO BRING ME BACK.  She Tells me how she is or got fucked over by her husband for soooo long, and then says she wants me more than she can say. WTF! I don't think I could ever go back without EACH of us spending time apart and figuring out who we really are as individuals. Might not be the right answer, but it's how i feel right Now!