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hevy 
Well, the counseling has proven to be a bit of a misfire. Rather than focusing on what we were asked to think about for the week, the W has chosen to pursue an avenue of all past arguments. I've reached a point that I cannot and will not continue to re-hash and re-argue the past 25 years. Hell, a lot of it is just the same old shit. Here is a copy of what i sent my counselor yesterday "
Well...I'm at a little bit of a loss for words, but I'll do the best I can.
It seems to me that W is feeling that this is all a waste of time. She said to me last night that she feels more that the counseling is for me and not for us. I didn't answer her on that, but as I've been thinking about it, I believe she is right. I think I wanted this more to validate my own feelings and agenda, perhaps, more than for our relationship. I understand that is most likely not a good reason for us to be there, but I'm not really sure. She made it very clear that if this counseling was more for me than for us, that she did not want to continue counseling and that she would prefer to find her own resources and help in regard to any type of counseling, on her own.
She also said that she doesn't want to go through all this just to find out in the end that I want to end it, which is in my mind, what is going to happen. Things between her and I do not seem to be moving forward and, in fact, seem to be moving a little bit in reverse. She has been barraging me with questions about why I don't or didn't care about her suffering and pain for the last 10 years and why I have not been supportive of her in that area. She's begun to make comparisons of us to other couples and what they do for each other vs. what she feels I have not done in that regard. In essence, she seems to be going back to re-hashing all of the things we've fought and argued about as well as what she feels I was not giving or doing for her.....being supportive....emotionally, physically, and monetarily.
I find that I am at the point where I am feeling that I just don't want to do this anymore. Personally, I don't feel a real desire anymore to continue our marriage anymore and I am almost ready to tell her I want a separation and that we should not live with each other. I am just not seeing where she and I are going to be able to resolve these things to the necessary satisfaction of either of us. I don't know if we'll still be able to continue to live in the same house without being in a constant state of back and forth push and pull over our shortcomings and mistakes over the last 10 years.
As for what you had asked us both to think about in regard to what was good or what we loved about each other, we are both finding it very difficult to come up with even one answer. In regard to what has kept us together for so long, I believe the majority of that was simply doing what we had to or could for our children. Our biggest goals have always been pay the bills, take care of the kids needs, try to keep the peace the best we could.
I don't know what to do at this point. I want to just go home and tell her "I want a separation". I am sure she more than likely does not know that we will still have to work together through a separation agreement spelling out how we will pay our bills, care and provide for our children, as well as inventorying our debts and assets.
Should I wait to breach that during our session next Thursday (5/22 at 4 p.m.)? I don't know if it will wait that long, but if it is what you suggest, I will do my best to hold off until then. I am sure that if I were to tell her that before then, or tell her the counseling is more for me than US, she will not come. "
So, I will be asking her for separation by Thursday 5/22. It may be sooner, it all just depends on what transpires between us over the next 6 days.
Comments
I think sitting on something as major as that is a good idea.
I think your wife is seeking to show you that she has been hurting in your marriage too.
It will take alot of work to change and it can only happen if you both are listening and trying.
If not, perhaps sometime apart may do you both some good.
pixie0413
hevy, it is sad. Did you both read marriagebuilder.com? There is no point in arguing about the past. Only the future matters. Separation and divorce is full of pain, it does not cure the pain. You are both hurting and lonely, but you are turning on each other instead of turning to each other. Can you not go to your wife and suggest that you work together, that you wipe the slate clean, that you look only to the future and forget what has transpired in the past? Does she want to work things out?
ibex
ibex, i went to that site. it appeared to be a placeholder page with sponsored links on it
hevy
Any progress working on your homework assignment? Happiness is a journey, not a destination. lol (Stole the quote from another blog.)
Gotta start somewhere and the present is usually the only place to start. Can't go back and redo anything. It's all history.
pixie0413