hevy's Journal

Well..not sure what to make of yesterday. Started rough and finished rougher. Helped my sons (16 n 18) get a few things ready to give to their mom in the a.m.

She did get up by 11:45 and get herself ready to go to dinner. I managed to get her pic with the boys and by herself. NO smiles from her of course. We went to dinner...it went ok, then over to my grandparents to visit them and my mom(in town til this a.m.). I did get to talk privately with my mom for a little bit. I didn't tell her who or how many times...but she knows what i did. She was very non judgemental about it and of course had much to say as far as what either of us has done to work at it obviously is not working and we should still go to counseling. Of course, i agreed, and I'm still gonna go. Mom talked to W and tried to encourage her to go (right before we left to go home). OMG, after we got home, she was mad as hell that i had talked to my mom. Said that she didnt' think i had told mom that i screwed around on her...i told that i did tell mom...
then she wanted to start the sex argument. See, she's been trying hard like i said, and we did have sex on tues night, but right after we did, she was very mean and cynical...ie...ok u got what u wanted...and  again the next morning..and tried to apologize later. WEll that instance had made me think even more about how shit just is not changing...same old routine.

So, now she says she has no reason to go to counseling if i cant tell her i love her. I had told her sunday that I had not said i didn't love her, but that i just couldnt/didnt feel i could, say it at this time.

Well..the arguing was just starting....and i said i was not going to sit there and go thru the same argument all over again...told her i was going to counseling tonight(monday) whether she did or not...and at the very least it would do her some good for HER, alone, to go. She still says she's not going...but I AM

her texts to me on sunday after getting home:

12:04 pm 5/11
and uv never had the feeling of me not telling u or not knowing that i loved u

5:37 pm 5/11
i find it funny u can tell ur mom that i wont go to counseling but u cant tell her u screwed someone else

5:49 pm 5/11
or tell me b4 have sex u love me then 2 days later u cant say it, whose gettin screwed over here

5:53 pm 5/11
guess that makes it all better for u now doesnt it

6:20 pm 5/11
like im a girlfriend

6:23 pm 5/11
i dont trust u telling me anything any more especially about loving me

6:34 pm 5/11
if u dont love me or want me any more then y should i go monday. maybe its better for me just to find that somewhere else.

6:36 pm 5/11
if you dont love me then i dont want ur love

6:49 pm 5/11
i told u i give up so what else is there. i thought thats what u wanted and what else can i lose that going tomake u even happier. im done trying to make u happy. now its my time to do whats best for me and u cant hate me for that cause thats what uv done all along. u told me u wanted me to be closer to u. i thought telling u i loved u was a start, but if thats not good enough i have nothing else. at least i tried u have never said the words to me that u expect to hear. but what else could i expect

6:55 pm 5/11
i feel like ive been screwed over by my own husband

6:55 pm 5/11
again

7:03 pm 5/11
these are real feelings, not just words to hurt you

7:20 pm 5/11
fooled me once, fooled me twice, fuckin fooled me three times, never fool me again