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hevy 
I've been thinking and reading alot lately, as well as writing quite a bit down. I decided on Thursday that I just couldn't keep saying "I love you" to my W, because in too many ways, it felt like I was either saying it out of guilt or to placate W. It's very hard to not say that after doing it for sooo long. It does hurt! On Friday, she texted me in the morning, saying "i miss u and u havent said i love u for a while". When i didn't respond...she said "thats ok, u dont have to answer that pretty much says it all". When i got home, she confronted me and asked me again why? I told her that I didn't feel i could say it with conviction at that moment. she was upset, of course, said that that said it all to her. Saturday was a hard day, and my mom is in out of town visiting and came over sat. afternoon. It went ok, but the tension was still very obvious. I went ahead and made 1:00 dinner reservation for my W, daughter and sons and grandsons. She is gonna go and try to play her part for the day. she wrote me a letter on sat night saying that when i couldn't say i loved her, it felt as if someone had reached into her chest and tore out everything she ever thought or felt for me or for us. All she feel is an empty place inside that makes her want to throw up. She said "what kind of counseling will change that?" and is now saying she is not going to go on Monday evening to our first real session. I am going to go, whether she does or not. I feel so much like crying, but i'm not going to let that out today.
Anything anyone has to say, I could use some advice or encouragement or "bad boy why did u do THAT" .
Comments
She also said thanks for helping her to understand that its not going to work anymore. She no longer has the feeling of needing or wanting like she did before of keeping us going to be together anymore. She says that finally she has her answer and I have what i've always wanted. She finished with " I cant take anymore, I GIVE UP!.
Well, I don't have what i've always wanted. What I have always wanted was taken away by her a long time ago. I did want US to be husband and wife, lovers, friends....and she pushed me away, to the side, for a long long time.
hevy
Hevy, you can't move fix anything until you know what you want to fix. Healing has to come from within first.
If you spoke the truth to your wife, then congradulate yourself. If you feel she didn't understand, then try to explain what you meant better. If she did understand, then it's her responsiblity to take care of herself. It sounds like that is what she's doing.
As far as feeling like you want to cry. Why do you want to cry? Guilt? Fear? Not happy w/ her givng up? Regret? Uncertain about what's going to happen? Reaction to her unhappiness? Empathy? (These are just ideas of different reasons why you want to cry. Only you know why you are sad.)
Why did it hurt to not tell her "I love you"? Think about this too.
Keep thinking and writing through this. I'm here for you if you need to talk or vent.
pixie0413
You need to tell her the WHOLE truth about everything whether you stay together or not. You owe her at least that. She is going to hurt reguardless now so you might as well fess up to everything so that she can move on and heal. By not telling her everything, she will hold onto hope that things will work out.
lostmyromeo
You don't deserve a "bad boy". What you did was very hard and you were just being honest. You did not do it to be hurtful even if that was the ending result. I wish I could give you advice, but all I can say is - if you want to let her go then do it, don't try to make it up to her by playing a role you can't feel. she will end up more hurt in the end that way.
faithinhope68