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hevy 
Well, I'm just not sure what to say anymore. She has been saying I love you to me sooo much more....and it just doesnt seem right. I mean, she should be pissed. What is she really trying to say?
What is she really saying? Here are some possibilities. Do any fit?
1. "I love you," means I need you. My life is incomplete or insufficient without you. I have little clue of who I am outside of you and I need you to define who I am. I cannot think of having a life of my own.
2. "I love you" means don't leave me. I'm afraid of life on my own. I am terrified of what might happen. Tell me you love me, and that you will be there for me so I don't have to think of making my own way. Calm my fears, because I'm not sure I can.
3. "I love you," means I'm a wimp. I don't want to rock the boat. I don't really want to confront you with what I'm really thinking and feeling. I don't want to take a stand and say ENOUGH. I will tolerate almost anything.
4. "I love you," means I'm sad. It feels sad to see the relationship and dreams crumble. It's sad to feel the distance, mistrust, pain and agony. It's sad to think of that which might never happen. It's sad to think of maybe not growing old with you.
5. "I love you" means I remember with loving feelings who you were and who I was. I remember who we were. I remember the good times. I remember the way it used to be. I remember what it was like to love and be there for each other. I miss that. I love those memories and maybe, that's all they are.
Personally, I think most of the above applies.
If any of you have an opinion or though on this, it would be appreciated. I have said "I love you" back, more out of guilt than ANYTHING ELSE!
Comments
Hevy, please consider telling your wife what you are thinking here. I am the cheater now... but once upon a time I lived w/ a man that cheated on me openly for years. Everyonce and awhile he'd tell me he cared about me. He'd tell me how he stayed because I made him feel secure or he'd be angry and tell me he stayed out of guilt. I think he hated me a little because he saw how weak I was. The sad part is that I let him treat me that way because I was scared of being alone and I believed I loved him. I thought listening to the man I love have sex w/ his mistress in my living room while I listened in the bedroom was all I was worth. I was more disgusted with myself than he ever could have been. The final straw for me was I finally got strong enough to tell him I was moving out after my second suicide attempt. lol
He asked me, "What am I going to do?! You own all the furniture."
I left the house that minute and went to a friend's. I cried the whole night and the next day. When I finally returned, I packed my clothes and left all the furniture. I still loved him, so I left the only parts of me I thought he really wanted. The apartment and my furniture.
The point of this story is that if the only reason you tell your wife you love her is out of guilt, you are not doing her any favors. She may be a weak person. She may mean all those things you mention, but she's still got a heart and she's reaching out to you because she believes she wants/needs you. By your actions though, you are enabling her to continue using you as a crutch.
The guy I left eventually realized that he loved me... after I was gone. He tried for 3 years to win me back after he realized that he loved me. I have forgiven him completely. I see now how I sort of caused my own grief in this. I think the only reason he thinks he loves me now is because he wants me back the way I was then. I'm not that person anymore. lol I'll never want him back because I'll never see him like did then. He was only a fantasy that didn't exist. All the excuses I made up for him, they were part of the fantasy.
When I think back, I really wish that he could have been honest with me and left. Instead of dragging it out for 3 years. 3 years of hell for both of us really.
Just consider being honest with her. She may be weak, but if she survives through this, she'll become a stronger person. Don't hide behind guilt because even if you think you are being kind, in the long run you are not.
pixie0413