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hevy 
I have never been more unsure of myself in my entire life. The emotional swings I've been through over the last 5-6 months have been incredible. I have so many feelings of guilt and shame and yet still find my mind and heart yearning for someone and something I let go because i didn't have the guts to just face my fears and be straight up about things. I feel that so many things have been so wrong in my marriage for so long that I don't believe in my heart that they can be fixed or saved. There are so many things that I just don't feel good about between W and I anymore... I want to be totally honest about everything, but in trying to do so, it always falls into the same pattern and ends in an argument or not speaking at all. At times it all seems ok, and then one of us speaks and it is gone. I a lot of ways i feel like i'm staying and trying more out of guilt than out of a real desire to save what we have/had. It's hard because I do care, but I'm not feeling the love I thought I had for her. She says to me " I love you" and
I still say it back, because to not say it only creates animosity and separation in her. I don't know how to handle that or what I should be saying, because if I keep saying it back without really feeling that I mean it, it just becomes another lie. She's asked me if I'm still 100% on saving it, and I answer yes, because again, i don't want to hurt her anymore than I have, and I really don't want to say it, let alone anything else until we go back to the counseling on
5-12 (1 week from today).
We have made love twice since 4/28, and it was nice, but I feel guilty about that too. Yes, I
wanted the sex, and she seemed to want it too, and says she does want me that way. But what am I to do...if I say no, then the battle begins again about why I DON'T want to, and that all comes back to love and feelings that I'm still not sure are there. I'm so confused as to what to do.
She's told me a lot of things about how she feels, and it's really hard to remember it all, even though I tried very hard to listen attentively. She is very fearful about any drinking that I do. That is definitly my fault. I had told her that the only time I had slept with OW was when I was drunk one night. If only that were true. Yes, I was drinking, but not that much, and I know I wasn't "drunk", just a good buzz. Now she is fearing that anytime I'm drinking, I'm thinking about getting laid by any woman that will go for it, which is just not something I would do. The fact is, there was rarely any alcohol involved when OW and I had sex. And yes, it was more than once, and less than 15 times.
I'm sure that W has her share of complaints and problems with me, without a doubt. We've kept so many things separate for so long, and that doesn't make it any easier. She feels she is on her own when it comes to money and paying bills. We've split the bills for the most part for a long time. She says she's afraid to even ask me for or about money anymore. There are many things that I do pay/give money for that I just don't catalogue or write down that are for family, and because I don't write it down or specifically remember a lot of the time, she feels I spend it all on me and what I want. Admittedly, I am/have been a little selfish. I do spend money every week on golf, and lunch, and some beer. Yes, I did spend some money to go to kentucky to stay at my parents on the weekend of 4/26, and she just HAS to include that everytime she speaks of my money. Funny, but she doesn't seem to recognize the lunches for school i pay for, or the school fees, or gas in her van, or the car repairs, or that I've been a month behind on car payments for both vehicles and trying to get caught up (yes, without giving up my golf), and a number of other incindental expenditures regarding home, kids, grandkids, etc... She talks of me getting to do what I want to do or enjoy, and then askes me "What do I get to do?" as if I'm supposed to tell her. I tell her and I've told her, that I cant be the one to tell her what to do or enjoy, that she has to figure that out for herself. Of course, then it goes back to money and what she pays for and what is left for her to use after that. I've even said I would do what I can to help pay for something she wanted to get out and do, or pay for it all if I can. Then she says that instead of that, she would get more enjoyment or be happier to be able to go buy things for the house like curtains, comfortors, etc... home stuff. And that's ok with me, but what will happen is that even if she gets those "things" while I continue to want to do my golf and/or other activities, she will still feel left out or leftbehind. Her current physical problems have also played into a lot of what has gone wrong, in my opinion. I know she works very hard at a very physical job. She's complained about the pain it's caused her for a very long time now. Until last year, we've never really had any medical insurance to cover her. She has endured a lot over quite a long period of time in regard to not feeling physically well or good. She still goes to work everyday, sore and hurting, because she knows that the money she earns is needed to keep our lives as they are. She's a great mom to the kids, and wonderful grandma too. She's been and is a hardworking, self sacrificing, loving wife and mother. There is no doubt that she gives it all for and to family, but at some point, she also needs to think of and do for herself, which she continues to avoid or not do.
Yes, I will say and she has admitted, that some of those physical problems caused her to stop having any desires or feelings sexually between us for a long time. She really thinks that I just don't care anymore about how she feels physically and that she thinks I expect her to just push the pain aside to have sex with me when I want it, but I don't and never have felt that way. But, she won't accept that answer from me. She has claimed for a long time that sex was ONLY WHEN I WANTED IT. Now, that is just not true. For the last 5-7 years, the only time we had
sex was on a Sunday after midnight, and even that had got to the point of only once every 3-6 weeks, and was the same every time for the most part. If I didn't bring it up, we likely would not have even had any sex. She certainly never came to me wanting it, ever!
I AM afraid of what is to come. Until the last couple of months, she has always berated me about helping at home around the house...all the same shit we all deal with...laundry, garbage, dishes, house cleaning in general. So much of the time, she would come home from cleaning all day, walk in the door, and just go on a total rampage, saying that no one does anything around here but her, that she has to do it all or it just won't get done or will pile up for her to have to do later. Now, dammit, we have two teenage boys (18 and 16) at home that are fully capable of helping. Yet, she will still insist on going into their rooms and picking up their stuff, washing their clothes, etc....all the while bitching about her having to do it. I've tried to tell her time and again, DON'T DO IT, LET THEM CLEAN UP THEIR SHIT AND IF THEY DON'T...THEN THERE IT STAYS. But, she just won't let it go, and therefor continues to do it AND bitch about it. She then will ask me why I didnt' call the boys (from work) and tell em to do it. And when I have, sometimes it still was not done when I got home, and by that time of the day, I've forgotten that I even asked them to do it sometimes and would just end up doing it myself if I got home b/4 her. If she gets home before me and it didn't get done, then she blames it all on me.
It had and has got to the point that it seems the only things we have in common anymore are kids and bills. We have gone in two totally different directions as to what is important to us individually and as a couple. I do understand that her pain limits what she can do and what she feels like doing. At the end of the day, she just wants and needs to come home and sit and be still...i know that is the only way that she feels better or at least gets some relief. What I can't understand or feel I can deal with is that she expects me to stay home and/or sit in a dark, shades drawn bedroom and do nothing other than hold her and watch tv. Well, that's ok for me sometimes...for a little while, but it's not what I really want to be doing. I'm sitting there with her, in this dark and depressing bedroom, while i can see the sunshine outside. I can't help it that i would rather be outside, somewhere, doing something, other than just sitting in a darkened room. We used to do so much outside the house, and now, she either can't, won't, or just doesn't want to. I love music, it means a lot to me, and for her, it's just noise. I like to get a bit wild, go to concerts, crack jokes, drink a little beer, have fun, kinda happy go lucky...and for her...well... she's introverted, not very sociable, and would rather be at home. At one time, we both wanted to own a house, and i know she still does...but I just don't want that anymore. I just don't know what to do about that! I think that the one thing that we do both enjoy together is our grandsons, but outside of that, there just doesn't seem to be any other real connection. It almost seems as if we just don't "connect" anymore, at any level. When it comes to OW, we connect on every level....from likes and dislikes, activities, sports, pick anything... so...I'm at a loss!
