Journal

Ok....so this weekend wasn't ALL bad. Saturday came and went rather quickly. Late Saturday night, she texted me again, but I left it until Sunday morning, when she started doing it AGAIN. I mean, damn, we're in the same house. Anyhow, I went upstairs to talk with her about what she texted me and we ended up talking for like 3-1/2 hours. It was NOT fun, indeed. It was, though, somewhat enlightening in that she was easily able to point out how I had failed her more and more since the birth of our daughter in 1988, as well as the time before that and after. Telling me how it just kept getting worse for her and that I never made her feel special. Well, lemme tell ya, I was there and it wasn't all that bad. Yes, I can see where there were times that she cried and asked me to just be there with her and hold her and make her feel loved. And yes, I do realize that on many of those occassions, I did walk out the door to go and hang with my friends. The bottom line here is that I am not that person anymore. We're talking about a guy, who in 1988, was only 28 and still immature. The other thing is that she was able to go from time frame to time frame describing what she felt I removed from our relationship. The entire time, I kept my mouth shut even though I did not agree with most of it (like her telling me over n over again about the pain of 3 births and how i could never understand, duh).

Now, after all that, and her not admitting or alluding that she had ANY shortcomings in our relationship during all that time, I am even more cautious about continuing our relationship and marriage. She can't and won't let ANYTHING GO and clings to the past like a warm blanket on a winter day. I asked her, out of sheer curiosity, if she had taken ANY time to go to the library or book store and even look at any books in regard to marriage - relationships - divorce/separation - cheating - etc... and her answer was that she had no interest or desire to do so because "other peoples experiences cannot possibly help us".... very close minded.

Then, to top it all off, today she texts me "hope ur having a good day, just thinking about you" then followed by... "I want us back" followed by... "and i want u more than i can say"... followed by "and none of that means anything unless u want it too". Now, I'm no rocket scientist or genius, but for a woman to sit for hours and tell me how I have failed her since the 4th year of our marriage to now, finishing with taking out trust and love, and then send me that the following day. IT MAKES ME VERY ANGRY AND CERTAINLY DOES NOTHING TO BRING ME BACK.  She Tells me how she is or got fucked over by her husband for soooo long, and then says she wants me more than she can say. WTF! I don't think I could ever go back without EACH of us spending time apart and figuring out who we really are as individuals. Might not be the right answer, but it's how i feel right Now!

Well we both went to counseling last night, in separate vehicles. It did not go all that well. The counselor asked where we thought we were in regard to saving it or separation. Which way are we leaning? Well, by that time, neither of us were at or above 50% to save it. All her trust and feelings of love are pretty much gone since I wouldn't tell her I love her. The counselor asked if there was ANYTHING we could build on, but we couldn't come up with an answer. She wanted to know what has kept us together all of these years. Hell, we don't even know. I mean, raising 3 kids was our main focus and goal, so that is the majority of what we've had together.

Unlike a lot of typical families, we had no help. No immediate family or close friends to take the kids for a night so we could spend more time together when we were younger. We watched other couples we were friends with get all that supplemental family support from parents, brothers, sisters, etc..... but we didn't have that advantage. Of course, we've been through 2 bankruptcies, lost our house and vehicles (1990 AND 2002). Our daughter got pregnant right after graduating high school and the daddy is nowhere around, so when her twins were born a year ago March, we sucked it up and helped as much as we could to about the tune of $3500-$5000 overall, and yes, it was very stressful.

Then she said over the next week that she wanted us to try to think back to what was good between us, what we did together. Well, we were married at 19, partied like animals until she got pregnant at 23, and then started raising the family. Bottom line - we certainly cant and wont go back to what we were doing in our early twenties...so WTF? We were young, hormonal and in love.

The counselor also asked if either of us wanted any individual counseling...and I said yes, W said no.

This morning, the W asked if she could talk to me before I left for work and after the boys left for school, so I did. First, she said it wouldn't mean anything to me, but she apologized for anything she had said or done or not done that had made me feel the way I do about US now. Then she said that if I was wanting a relationship or to be with someone else to tell her now so we could just get on with our lives. The next thing she asked about was our living arrangement (I've been sleeping in the living room for the last several days and will continue t do so). I said it could stay the same, just for now, until we decide if and how to split up. Personally, I don't think I can go on like that for more than another 2 weeks. I know she said more, but it all kinda ran together and I will have to ask her to repeat some of it so I can write it down and give it more thought before I answer her. She said that she had no clue that I was not feeling the love for her or feeling like I was saying it out of guilt or to placate her until I stopped saying I love you.

At this point, I just don't feel that I have the desire or energy to put into saving our marriage.

I went today at noon. I got to vent a little bit, tell a little of my side and history, and overall felt a little better when I left. She had asked me where I was in regard to save it or leave. I told her I was leaning much more heavily away from saving it. Then, I told her more about the OW and affair. She then wrote this down "What are your needs in a relationship?" and handed it to me to take home for us both to write down an answer.