Today is my first good day for …
Today is my first good day for a while. I have been fired twice in a row. I just can't bounce back. Ok well it is …
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GiselleSylphide 
11:50am, November 14, 2009
wd09 posted a rant about wanting to quit recovery, and it made me think about the struggles with eating I'm having right now.
Quite simply, I just don't want to eat. I want to survive on coke zero and gum again. Eat at most 300 calories, just like I used to. I want to be 103 lbs again. I want to get down to the perfect 95 lbs that I have fantasized about for years. I just don't want to eat anymore. Yes, I'm still telling myself how much better recovery is than starving, my hair's not falling out, I'm not cold all the time, my skin isn't tinted grey, I'm not ridiculously hungry, blah blah blah. I still just don't want to eat. I want to be super skinny again. I want that BMI of 15.8. I want to be able to just puke after meals and then not worry about calories.
But I can't have it. I have to stay in recovery. I have to force myself to eat, even though I am a fat ugly bitch whore. Maybe these feelings about hating recovery will go away soon. I sure hope so.
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Hey Rachel ... you are NOT fat, ugly, a bitch, or a whore. I know that for a fact, and tell Charles and/or Emily they can fuck off if that's how they're gonna behave (wow, I sound tough when giving other people advice). I'm sending you positive vibes today! Big hugs :)
XenaM
I'm sorry it's rough. I think posting about it is a good idea and calling youself names is part of the conditon. Here's hoping it gets better! Love snd hugs, Md2.
moondancer2
hey girl... obviously i know what your going through and it SUCKS but weve made it this far and we'll keep survivng.
"i wont be a statistic,
another girl who died anorexic"
... that helps me get through.
wd09