StillWaitingForHim's Journal

I'm new to this website and online support in general. At this stage in the game I figured it couldn't hurt to have an outlet for how I fee from time to time.

I'm a single mother of one and it's just been me and my son since the months before he was born. His father is in prison and, at this time, there's no chance of parole/release. Over the past 5 years my emotions have gone on every rollercoaster ride imaginable. There have been days when I miss him more than life itself and other days I think it would be better if he were out of the picture completely.

From the time we met I knew I loved him. The mere mention of his name would bring a smile to my face. Today the smallest thought of wanting him near me can bring tears to my eyes. I watched a movie recently and a character on there asked "How do you know when you truly love somebody?". The response given was "When you can still feel their touch on your skin no matter how much time has past since you were last with them and when you're every thought is of them and how much you want them near you at that moment". I've spent the last 5 years feeling that way.

There are days when I'm angry he's not here. Days when I think this could have gone down such a different path. Days when I've thought about walking away from him .. but I know that would mean walking away from a part of me. I'm just not ready to do that. 

So on days like that I guess it's best to write how I feel here than to carry the burden alone. My family & friends don't know he's in prison.  It all happened when I lived away from them. I think it's best to keep things here as uncomplicated as possible. I don't think I could handle their looks and questions.