Journal

Well..It's getting to be the hardest time of the year...the holidays...for all my problems..it touches base on them all..... me missing my mom...my seperation (going on almost a year)..my anxiety...but this year..I'm going to try and keep it simple and happy as can be.  I'm decorating this year, but not using any of the decorations I used with my husband over the years.I'm keeping a few sentimental items that I recieved as gifts from others..but everything else is either being pitched or given to good will.  I have decided this year to finally go up in my parents attic since my mom died (6 years) and go thru the decorations that we used as a family over the years and use them....it's going to be hard, but my dad and brother said they would help me go thru things...I'll need their support..but I think it's something I need to do.  I can't handle staring at all the things that my soon to be ex and I had thru the years...

He still has choosen the route of ignoring me, not wanting to talk to me..I get a text maybe once a month now.  if that...I can say it's getting easier..but it's not..I have just learned how to deal with it better.  I actually was driving to lunch the other day, and he was in front of me, and I actually had to guess if it was him or not, because i forgot what the back of his car looked like...weird.  but he had a sticker in the window that confirmed it was him.  It made me sick to my stomach, and I was hoping "she" wasn't in the car with him...I probably would of plowed him from behind if she was...(not really..but it was fun to think about)..lol

take care to all who read this.. 

THANK goodness for this board, just to be able to talk to other's going thru the same thing helps so much! People on here have been absolutely wonderful and supportive.  I hope I can be the same for other's.  Today is a better day then before...when I don't think about him, wondering what they are doing (him and her) ...I keep thinking...two more holidays to go and we would be apart for every single holiday.  He keeps trying to make me feel guilty because no one called him on his birthday, to which I almost felt sorry, but then realized...he left me alone on new years eve to go out with her (didn't come home for 2 days) and then my birthday, he completly overlooked and actually went out with her on it but for her birthday bought her a big gift (i'm paying for on the credit card) and took her out to a fancy dinner...  And then, the big one, valentines day..he promised to take me out, but last minute said he promised her that he would take her out.  (where is her husband in all this i wonder?????)  I can't believe this woman makes so much time to see him when she has a husband and two young children at home...what a loving and warm environment that has to be for them....watching their mother get all whored up to go out with her one of many boyfriends....(yes, she is on many dating sites and doesn't just go out with my h - but he doesn't seem to believe that - he's delusional) 

Once again, rambling here...but i'm sure my friends and family are getting sick of me talking about this all the time..but i need to get it out...or it will eat me up inside more than it does.  so if you're reading this...thanks for letting me ramble..lol  I gave him until oct 31 to remove his stuff...he hasn't...so i'm assuming he likes living with no furniture..just a blow up mattress...and a kitchen chair..pathetic.  so I'm going to slowly start giving things to good will..i've given him enough time to come and get it.....or should I start leaving things on his front porch, now that i know where he lives...silly man..thinking i wouldn't find out.  I'm stupid but not that stupid.