It seems like everything is hitting me at once. I went to my pain management dr and cried for almost my entire appt. I dont think my paxil is working. It just seems like one thing after another. The pm dr explained its a viscious?sp cycle. Depression makes the pain worse and pain makes the depression worse. He changed some of my meds which im hoping will help. He also asked me if I was receiving counseling from my minister and I told him I have. My medical bills and medicine costs has us so in debt. We struggle every month and run into the next months bill money covering the months before bills. And to make it worse and please dont think Im nuts. I think the first step to getting better is laying it all out on the table.
I often have prophetic dreams and see and hear things others arent able. No its not mental things but more paranormal. When my bio mom passed away I dreamt the whole thing the night before down to making the 911 call as well as doing cpr. My grandfather same thing and then the night after the funeral I dreamt of him where we met in the most beautiful meadow. There was concrete benches green grass and he was walking told me not to be sad he could walk. Well the last few months I have been having dreams of my ma. I talked to my sister today too and she has been having almost the same exact dreams.
I keep dreaming my ma doesnt know she is dead. And it occurs in dreams she doesnt really fit into kwim? Like one of them I was at the kids school and it was a program the kids were performing for the parents. Well she never attended these things. She kept saying help me I need your help. Why cant they see me. and I told her dont you know your gone ma you past away in feb and she starts to tell me something and I wake up before she is able to. I have had several dreams like this. My sister has too. Only hers are more along the lines of video games most times. Like she had to collect all the coins to move on to the next level and then ma would be the boss she had to defeat. Its gotten to the point I dont want to go to sleep because of the nightmare dreams that come with it. So I stay up till 2-3am, and wake up between 6-7 with the kids. Im sure the lack of sleep doesnt help either.
I have just had a very hard time coping with everything. The losses, the fire, fighting the insurance company, behind on our mortgage, my disability hearing, the trampoline, the leukemia scare. I mean this year has been such a trying year for our family. And I really hope and pray it gets much better for us. Because honestly I do not think I could make it through another loss or stressful event this year.
And please please dont think badly of me but the last week it got so bad and I was in horrid pain. Hurt to walk, hurt to move I was in tears and close to asking sam to take me to the er. My meds werent helping at all. Sam had to cut my meat up for me because I didnt have feeling in the last 3 fingers of my hands, and just the pressure needed to move the knife back and forth hurt more than anything. I was devistated and felt awful even asking him to do that. It took me breaking down to get to that point. He noticed I was eating my cube steak he cooked and said whats wrong you just not hungry and I started crying. I dont think he knew how to take it to be honest. He told me he didnt care if I needed help just to ask. I told him I was so angry with my body, and lupron that I was to the point if it wasnt for our kids and him I wanted to die. I feel like a burden to him and the kids. I would never hurt myself ut the thought has crossed my mind. Always being the sick mom. always in pain, always saying Im sorry I cant do that or let me take my meds so I can move first. Sam got upset that I would even say anything like that but like I told him atleast I would be free of pain and no longer suffering, no longer using all our money for dr appts and meds and everything would be paid for. The house, car, etc. Then we wouldnt be behind on the house, we wouldnt have to worry what bill to put off to pay this. Atleast now we have lowered all of our bills which saves us appox 250.00 The dr also changed 3 of my meds to generic and are on the walmart 4.00 list. Im hoping that changing my muscle relaxer and paxil to celexa it will help alot. Im not expecting a miracle but maybe it will work better than the ones ive been taking.
Noone in my family takes my conditions seriously and tell me oh your just exagggerating. but when you wake up and cant bear weight on your legs and fall to the ground i really dont think its exaggerating. I have lost most of my friends irl because Im not able to go and do the things I use to do. My supposed best friend Jennifer wont even take my calls or return my texts or calls because I couldnt come drink coffee one day. I mean jeez. I know its hard to make plans because I never know how im gonna feel. If Sam is here to drive me its easier to go places because I dont have to drive I can take my meds and just ride while he drives. I cant even reach my arms behind my back to fasten my bra because it hurts to bad. So thank goodness for sports bras that fasten in the front or just slide over your head. She also got mad at me because I made the comment everyday is a good day to die. And I honestly feel that way. I am looking forward to being free of pain again. To be able to do things without requiring help. While I pray that my kids are grown before something happens to me I am basically counting down the days so to speak. What a blessing that would be to wake up and be pain free.
I often have prophetic dreams and see and hear things others arent able. No its not mental things but more paranormal. When my bio mom passed away I dreamt the whole thing the night before down to making the 911 call as well as doing cpr. My grandfather same thing and then the night after the funeral I dreamt of him where we met in the most beautiful meadow. There was concrete benches green grass and he was walking told me not to be sad he could walk. Well the last few months I have been having dreams of my ma. I talked to my sister today too and she has been having almost the same exact dreams.
I keep dreaming my ma doesnt know she is dead. And it occurs in dreams she doesnt really fit into kwim? Like one of them I was at the kids school and it was a program the kids were performing for the parents. Well she never attended these things. She kept saying help me I need your help. Why cant they see me. and I told her dont you know your gone ma you past away in feb and she starts to tell me something and I wake up before she is able to. I have had several dreams like this. My sister has too. Only hers are more along the lines of video games most times. Like she had to collect all the coins to move on to the next level and then ma would be the boss she had to defeat. Its gotten to the point I dont want to go to sleep because of the nightmare dreams that come with it. So I stay up till 2-3am, and wake up between 6-7 with the kids. Im sure the lack of sleep doesnt help either.
I have just had a very hard time coping with everything. The losses, the fire, fighting the insurance company, behind on our mortgage, my disability hearing, the trampoline, the leukemia scare. I mean this year has been such a trying year for our family. And I really hope and pray it gets much better for us. Because honestly I do not think I could make it through another loss or stressful event this year.
And please please dont think badly of me but the last week it got so bad and I was in horrid pain. Hurt to walk, hurt to move I was in tears and close to asking sam to take me to the er. My meds werent helping at all. Sam had to cut my meat up for me because I didnt have feeling in the last 3 fingers of my hands, and just the pressure needed to move the knife back and forth hurt more than anything. I was devistated and felt awful even asking him to do that. It took me breaking down to get to that point. He noticed I was eating my cube steak he cooked and said whats wrong you just not hungry and I started crying. I dont think he knew how to take it to be honest. He told me he didnt care if I needed help just to ask. I told him I was so angry with my body, and lupron that I was to the point if it wasnt for our kids and him I wanted to die. I feel like a burden to him and the kids. I would never hurt myself ut the thought has crossed my mind. Always being the sick mom. always in pain, always saying Im sorry I cant do that or let me take my meds so I can move first. Sam got upset that I would even say anything like that but like I told him atleast I would be free of pain and no longer suffering, no longer using all our money for dr appts and meds and everything would be paid for. The house, car, etc. Then we wouldnt be behind on the house, we wouldnt have to worry what bill to put off to pay this. Atleast now we have lowered all of our bills which saves us appox 250.00 The dr also changed 3 of my meds to generic and are on the walmart 4.00 list. Im hoping that changing my muscle relaxer and paxil to celexa it will help alot. Im not expecting a miracle but maybe it will work better than the ones ive been taking.
Noone in my family takes my conditions seriously and tell me oh your just exagggerating. but when you wake up and cant bear weight on your legs and fall to the ground i really dont think its exaggerating. I have lost most of my friends irl because Im not able to go and do the things I use to do. My supposed best friend Jennifer wont even take my calls or return my texts or calls because I couldnt come drink coffee one day. I mean jeez. I know its hard to make plans because I never know how im gonna feel. If Sam is here to drive me its easier to go places because I dont have to drive I can take my meds and just ride while he drives. I cant even reach my arms behind my back to fasten my bra because it hurts to bad. So thank goodness for sports bras that fasten in the front or just slide over your head. She also got mad at me because I made the comment everyday is a good day to die. And I honestly feel that way. I am looking forward to being free of pain again. To be able to do things without requiring help. While I pray that my kids are grown before something happens to me I am basically counting down the days so to speak. What a blessing that would be to wake up and be pain free.
