Journal

Never tried to "journal" before.  Been  rough few months. Was diagnosed with kidney problems and congestive heart failure in August and since then I've changed my entire life.  Started talking to my ex at the end of May after not talking to him in over a year.  He is still an active addict and confessed to me that he now drinks/drugs 24/7.  On October 26th he called to say he wanted to come here and start over.  And "perhaps" he was ready.  I was so happy.  I'd waited for this call for over 2 years.  Two weeks later, I read in the paper that he applied for a marriage license with some bimbo he picked up in a bar after the last bimbo threw him out.  It hurts.  I still love the man I knew very much.  And I pray every day he finds sobriety again and we can have the life we had WHEN he was clean and sober.  He was the man I waited a lifetime for.  And I still miss him. I miss my BEST friend.  And Christmas makes it harder.  The last year we were together I remember him standing in the kitchen making "sramby" eggs for our granddaughter who was 11 months old. And he said to me, "This is a new beginning for our family.  We can show them what a loving, kind relationship can be between 2 people who love each oher.  This is new start for us and a way to turn this family in a new direction."  And then he relapsed and I threw him out, moved to Arizona and kept hoping he'd get clean and sober again.  Instead, he just goes from bimbo to bimbo, using them, manipulating them and then finding another one.  And it hurts.

Was in the hospital last week. And they said I'm dehydrated.  So, weight stayed pretty steady.  And I'm upset about the plateau.  I did slip a little this week in what I ate.  Snuck a few fast food items in there.  Need to get back on track.

Lost some more weight last week.  I think I have hit my "dry" weight.  It was not so easy last week.  Now, the work begins.  Instead of being discourage, just have to try harder.