Journal

So...

I joined the Gym last weekend. Since then, I have been there twice for 2 different classes. On tuesday I attended a yoga class and wow, if you weigh as much as I do, that is one INSAINE strengh training work out. I must say though, most of them that were in the class were snot nosed B*tches. I am very happy I was there with my sister in law because I would have felt so awkward and out of place. It is already hard to not feel out of place when you go to a gym while you are heavy and everyone around you is skinny and in great shape. Well, I told myself I was going to stick with it this time, so I did. Last night I attended the "Salsa Aerobics" class. It was a blast! I met some really nice people and the class was not only a good work out, but it had people laughing all through the class, even the class instructor. It is actually very fast salsa dancing. I didn't realize what kind of dancing salsa actually is. Well, it turns out it is some very "dirty dancing". It is fun because you kind of feel like a bit of an idiot when you are stroking your head and shaking your butt around. And, WOW, was it ever a good workout. You know it's a good workout when even the instructor is soaked in sweat by the end. And that man is in excellent shape! He is also quite a nice piece of "eye candy" too. Most of  the time, when I have ever exercised before, it felt like work. So, it felt more draining. This was so much fun, I actually felt great after class. The hour went by really fast too. That is definately a class that I plan on going to any time I can. It made working out feel easy, even though I was dying to take a shower after it was over.

Excess weight has always been a problem for me. While I was growing up, I was always the chubby/fat kid that everyone made fun of. It was extreamly depressing. Girls always rejected me. And boys... a couple of them were my friends but, no one would ever think about dating me in the future. As I got older, I just got heavier. In my freshman year of high school, I got my first boyfriend. He was the first one to ever ask me out. Of course, he had something wrong with him too. He was not fat, but he had been born with scoliosis which is an abnormal curvature of the spine. He had a bar in his back making it that he could stand more upright and had a small hump on his back. this also made him about 4' tall. He and I had gone out for about a year. During that timeframe, constant rejection made me deperate to loose weight. I practically stopped eating. My diet basically consisted of a grapefruit, a can of tuna, and a few fat free pretzels a day. I made sure to never have more than 5 grams of fat a day. Every time I felt really hungry, I would just chug some water and take a nap, hopeing that the hunger would subside while I was napping. I also started working out about an 2-3 hours a day. Over the course of time that I was in the relationship with him I lost about 80lbs and for once in my life, was thin. After we broke up, suddenly guys started hitting on me left and right. In a way, this made me kind of angry because it was just proving how shallow most people are these days. 

Because of malnutrition, my hair started to fall out. I had to go from 5 grams of fat a day to 8 grams of fat a day if I wanted to keep my hair. I then started taking martial art classes. My exercise time was literally 5.5 hours a day at that point. The only thing that kept my anorexia from pysically being noticed is because I had so much muscle that it would keep my skin from falling and showing all of the bones. I also still had baby chub on my face. Just the other day, I looked at my senior HS picture and noticed how far my collar bone was protrudeing compared to all of my thin cousins, whose senior pictures were right next to mine. When I started college, I started eating a normal heathly diet. around 1,500 to 1,800 calories a day. I was also forced to reduce my workout time to an hour a day. That, what would normally be a pretty healthy lifestyle, made me gain weight steadily. I had destroyed my metabolism.  When my husband (boyfriend at the time) and I first moved in together, we were tight on money. Well, everyone knows that fattening junkfood is cheaper than healthy lowfat food. It has caused us both to gain weight over the years. Because of me destoying my metabolism in high school, I gained back all of the weight I originally lost plus alot more. This time around, I want to loose the weight slowly, steadily, and healthy. I just got a gym membership and plan to go 2-3 days a week to start. I am also strarting out by just reducing fats and portions a bit at a time; also trying to incorporate more healthy food in. I know if I feel deprived I will want to give up easier. Eventually I would like to be attending the gym 5-6 days a week and have about a 1,500-1,800 calorie a day diet. I am trying to motivate myself to stick with it and not give up. I know that it is very common to see a thin bride become an overweight wife. I hope to be the opposite. I was a big bride who hopes to gets thin after the wedding.