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kjl1951 
1:16pm, September 5, 2009
August 31, 2009 ~~~ 30 days after my 58th birthday. This birthday has been exceptionally difficult for me. Not because I am a year older. That is something I have accepted years ago. It is more the weariness of the realization that nothing seems to have change & the horizon shows no bluer skies. Just another bleak year of the same drudgery. There is little to look forward to at the moment. Just more of the same old came old.
I have been diagnosed with chronic clinical depression for over 6 years now. I have suffered from the same much longer. It is a simple fact of life. Nothing to be ashamed of ~ millions of people suffer from it. So why do I feel ashamed? Why do I feel like I am a source of constant pain, disappointment & distaste to everyone around me? I know I can not control my emotions & how depression affects me in the physical sense. I have been feeling sick a lot lately My haital hernia has really been in full overdrive. I have been feeling like I have the flu but know it is my nerves making me ill. Anxiety has become a new "best" friend. I really never had a gay, madcap social life but now I have none. My hobbies have lost their appeal & there is just no joy anymore.
I feel like one of those1,000 piece jigsaw puzzles you can buy that are in a swirl of the same basic color no actual picture or pattern & shaped like a oval or a sphere No defined shape or starting up point.. Just a pile of small pieces impossible to match up. At least for me, anyway. Even if by some remarkable feat of patience & dexterity you do come close to finishing it you realize to your utter & complete disgust & anger there are pieces missing. That is me a defective jigsaw puzzle I just would like a period of separation from myself ~ a time away from my every day life. I would like to gather myself, find some peace of mind. It has been so long since I felt inner peace & peace of mind.
It seems that my core family, (my husband & daughter) do not have a life we can live together. I know how deeply my depression has affected my family. It upsets & confuses them. How can it not ~ it confuses me. So it is with trepidations, disappointment & even fear I go forward to the next year. Not really expecting things to be much different. I have lost the capacity to hope. So the expression expecting the worst, hoping for the best doesn't apply. I struggle on trying not lose complete control of the depression. Needing help, wanting to hope, asking understanding. Daring to try & find the light at the end of a seemingly endless pitch dark tunnel. Fumbling, stumbling, tripping & feeling my way along.
love, me
to all my dear, sweet family & friends ~~~ always know you have my love in everything I do. I am forever in your debt. even when I am at my lowest point, like now, you are a great source of help to me in my life.
I have been diagnosed with chronic clinical depression for over 6 years now. I have suffered from the same much longer. It is a simple fact of life. Nothing to be ashamed of ~ millions of people suffer from it. So why do I feel ashamed? Why do I feel like I am a source of constant pain, disappointment & distaste to everyone around me? I know I can not control my emotions & how depression affects me in the physical sense. I have been feeling sick a lot lately My haital hernia has really been in full overdrive. I have been feeling like I have the flu but know it is my nerves making me ill. Anxiety has become a new "best" friend. I really never had a gay, madcap social life but now I have none. My hobbies have lost their appeal & there is just no joy anymore.
I feel like one of those1,000 piece jigsaw puzzles you can buy that are in a swirl of the same basic color no actual picture or pattern & shaped like a oval or a sphere No defined shape or starting up point.. Just a pile of small pieces impossible to match up. At least for me, anyway. Even if by some remarkable feat of patience & dexterity you do come close to finishing it you realize to your utter & complete disgust & anger there are pieces missing. That is me a defective jigsaw puzzle I just would like a period of separation from myself ~ a time away from my every day life. I would like to gather myself, find some peace of mind. It has been so long since I felt inner peace & peace of mind.
It seems that my core family, (my husband & daughter) do not have a life we can live together. I know how deeply my depression has affected my family. It upsets & confuses them. How can it not ~ it confuses me. So it is with trepidations, disappointment & even fear I go forward to the next year. Not really expecting things to be much different. I have lost the capacity to hope. So the expression expecting the worst, hoping for the best doesn't apply. I struggle on trying not lose complete control of the depression. Needing help, wanting to hope, asking understanding. Daring to try & find the light at the end of a seemingly endless pitch dark tunnel. Fumbling, stumbling, tripping & feeling my way along.
love, me
to all my dear, sweet family & friends ~~~ always know you have my love in everything I do. I am forever in your debt. even when I am at my lowest point, like now, you are a great source of help to me in my life.
Comments
oh my poor friend,i am so sorry you are feeling so bad,i know how it feels i have been there so many times,you have discribed exactly how i feel when this happens to me,and i feel bad for you,i hope so very much that this time in your life does not last too much longer,i will pray for you my friend,love and hugs,helen.
witchnell
i will continue praying for you
KCJ
I that God will put a light of hope into your heart. I don't know where your joy may be hiding, but I expect you will find it this year at some time. Stay in touch with your friends here on DS. You have been a spark of faith for us, and we will try to do the same for you.
ChuckDG