Journal

well here I sit in the pain and agony we all experience evry month.However not even the super strong pain killers are doing much good so I say bring on the operation.It is only in a few days and I am scared but it has to be better than this.

Still upset about hubby's sister calling me a thief.And for the inlaws also believing it,I am concerned as I don't know how his youngest sister will  re-act as she has been away.She may not believe me either and that woud be sad.I don't now whether to ring her or not.The only good part is at least I can say 2009 is free from crap as she rang an told me I had stolen the figurine on 31st Dec.

I want 2009 to be a better year.My nerves are starting to get the better of me again as all this crap happens.Have been up since 5.00am in the worst pain.It has been a while and tablets haven't done much yet.

Lots of mixed emotions re family too.Still massively confused about being adopted.

Sad that BM's message on phone was probably just a mistake as she sent it to many.

Hard to have talked to Oma and then told that it was all too much for her by Aunty.She sounded fine to me.Not one hint that it was dificult talking to me.

Uncle(BU) sent me an xmas message on phone just when I thought he must have been out of the picture too.It is all soooooo confusing.

Would like my A brother to meet my  B sister but I don't think he is ready for that yet,How can I invite them both to my hubby's birthday when other people know who she is and something might slip.Also we do look a bit alike and he is clever enough to spot that.Another dilhema.

My son's old friends are leaving him out and i don't see why they would.Will have to encourage him to seek other friends which he has done to some extent and form new friendships.Can't but help to feel sad for him though.

Daughter is back from interstate and I am so relieved.She bought me a beautiful bracelet for xmas.

that'll do

People have been telling me I should write down how I feel

so I ended up writing a song

haven't played my guitar for a long time now and it felt good to express the emotions I was feeling

hope you can read it on adoption discussions

naturally would be better with music

I wonder if I should send her the words or a cd

Well,I have been to the meeting of my siblings.A bit overwhelming as I was on my own and the others all had an adult with them.Wish I had known and I would have brought my hubby for support.

Hard talking to people you don't know but it went well except for one sister who had a go at me.Apparently I am stuck up.How she could tell this after a short time of knowing me I am not sure.

Anyway have contact details etc so when I get brave will contact all but one and say hi and thanks for coming.

My birth mum has no concept of how dificult it is to find out one is adopted at the age of 47yrs and everything in your life seems changed.Whilst I am very happy to meet everyone it is rather overwhelming but that apparently only applies to her other kids who have just found out they have another sister.And yes I really can see how dificult it is for them ,but they have not gone through the shock of losing their precious mother to find out they were adopted and go through the dificult time I am having adjusting to everything.

I have know been put on the backburner again by BM.And I must say I have had enough drama with her already.She lashes out at me while treading on eggshells with her other kids.So back to counselling we go.She will have to come to see me this time.I have had enough trips interstate and disrupted my family life.Even my husband said it was affecting our marriage so I have to make sure that does not happen.It's just all too hard sometimes.Sigh!