lovinsah's Journal

So on TOP of everything else in my life. My granddad passed away in his sleep on Friday morning. I am so sad, guilty, and just want to be with my grandma. The reason I feel guilty is that I should of went to see him that day they had a party at their house ,but I wasn't feeling good. Now i wish I would of gone. He lived like 2 hours away from me and that is the closest he has ever been in his life to me. He has battled lung, heart desises for the past 7 years. I did go to Atlanta the first time I heard he wasa sick. This was still unexpected.

Also it was my other granddads 83th birthday party on saturday. I am so confused and emotions just spinning around in me. Today is my cousins 16 party. ALl these partys. I just want to curl up on the couch and not move. I wanna give my grandma a hug and ask her if she is okay. Everytime I think of her I cry. I was so close to them. I was the first Granddadughter. We spent every summer with them since I was 10 years old. They gave us our honeymoon. I mean I just don't know with my happy, sad, depressed emotions. All this at once?!?! 

On Friday night I did not let my husband leave my side for anything. We watched shows together that we would both watch. He turned on Baseball and what team was playing? The braves of course. His favorite and my granddads favorite. I started to cry again , he flipped the channel and I said no don't. We remembered the game he took us to once. We had hotdogs and all sorts of stuff. 

Yes I am lucky to have grandparents still on both sides of my family but it doesn't make it any easier when you loose them. I was very close to him but haven't seen him in the past couple years which is I guess another reason I feel guilty. My mom said that I am the granddaughter. Only so much that I can do. Phone does go both ways she said. But still. I should of done more.

so on my other granddad's bday party saturday night, I stayed by him the whole night not wanted to leave his side. My mom put me on the other side of him for dinner and then we watched tv and me and my brother were on either sides of him. Greiving process is not the easiest to go through. I lost one of my best grandma's 6 years ago and its still not the easist when I think about it. I try not to but she did so much for me too.

I was the first grand child on either sides. I was the first girl on my dad's side. they did not believe the dr when they said it was a girl. I have a big family and I love them. I have issues with some of them but who doesn't?

Also I am so possesive of granddad right now too. Is this normal? My step sister who isn't anymore either put on facebook that she lost her granddad she got 21 responses. Me I got 8. I mean she took my spot in the family and I hate it. I want to scream to her " ITS NOT YOUR GRANDDAD!" HE MINE! We been through hardtimes and such She? Nothing. Now my mom is devorcing her dad and so she put us through all this for nothing. The next person she marries, i am not letting Riley around and I am not letting me around him either. I don' twant this emotional rollercoster all the time. I can't handle it.

I found out on Facebook the memorial service and stuff as well. that got me sooo mad. sooo mad and confused and I just wanted to scream because they didn't call me. yes it was past 9am but I still just wanted to know in person. Why am I the last one to know in my family? why am I left out in things? I have talked to grandma about this last summer. She said she didn't know thats how I felt. She said that Jessica could never replace me in the family. She didn't know I wanted to go to flordia those years. I didn't, because of her, but now I wish I had. I didn't have many years left of my granddad. I miss him. 

They are creamating him so I am not even able to say goodbye to his " body" i guess and get some closer. I know its not about me but my emotions are so confused right now. I just wanna give my grandma a big hug and tell her it will be okay and I am glad she is closer to me now. I don' tknow if I am going to let her go. I wanna call her up but afraid I am going to cry and I don't want to do that. I hope she is at the party today. I don' tknow. This is all just too confuing.

My mother ( real) wants me to get couseling. I can't afford it. Its just partys, funerals and such all in the same weekend is a little much. The memorial service is on Friday a couple hours away but we are going. We may be so tight on money but we are going. 

Please think of me and my family as this is such a hard time for all of us. Please think of me and these emotions I am feeling. I have so many its weird.