tbeattie81's Journal

I know its been a really long time now but I went through a serious depression, and it was like a fog that wouldn't lift! So...if anyone still cares to know, here is a little bit of whats been going on with me!

I tried once again to find meaningful work this time through Pure Romance, but given the severity of my migraines that didn't work out either! 

My DH just had his 30th birthday a few weeks ago & that was a lot of fun!  Really hard to be around all the kids though!

As many of you already know, about 6 or 9 months ago I got a medical marijuana card and it has really allowed me to get my life back! I went to the river, and camping and yard work and I can play with my dog & my husband & my friends kids again, and I'm just able to get out of the house!!! I can even sit in the sun a little bit everyday!  And I'm able to go to the gym, and I go 6 days a week for 1 1/2hrs well until i get a cold or a bad knee which have both happened recently keeping me at home resting.  But the gym combined with weight watchers I've been steadily & SLOOOWLY losing weight! Which feels great, gives me so much more energy, good way to clear your head, and you feel really proud of yourself when you're done!  And it makes you feel like you really are doing everything you can to loose weight & get healthy!  

We've been seeing a marriage therapist for a little while because of everything we've gone through this past year....Infertility diagnosis and stress, my Bipolar disorder diagnosis & the aftermath that went with it!  Therapy has been going really well, last week we came to the conclusion that when we were TTC a lot of the "performance" problems and fights we had a lot to do with the fact that I basically began to treat my husband like sperm.  I didn't care if he wanted to or not...ITS TIME NOW!!! Sex on demand gets old fast, but when you're so desperate to get pregnant you feel like you need to get in control of absolutely everything you possibly can.  Because in reality, nothing is in your control when it comes to getting pregnant!  We now know why we're having so much trouble getting pregnant, DH was tested & we have Varacocele!  We finally got referred to a urologist & the Dr. said promptly after the exam, "you need surgery" !!! We knew this would probably be the step we needed to take to get pregnant, and I'm thrilled that things finally seem to be moving forward in this arena!  But I really feel for my husband he's never had surgery ever in his whole life and then the first surgery he has has to be on his "boys" but as difficult as it will be I"m really just hoping & praying that after going through EVERYTHING we've had to go through we will finally be able to conceive!

Here's a few things I've learned from friends, family, and even some famous rolemodels and I try really hard to remember now that I've finally come out my fog: Jen Aniston said:

"Happy ever after is such a fantasy. Its an ideal. Its so easy to focus on what you don'thave, to want something you haven't got, that you miss out on the moments of happiness that are happening right here and now.  People need to live in the moment. We spend too much time dwelling on the past or worrying about the future.  I"m not saying fly by the seat of your pants, but everybody is exactly where they're supposed to be.  To be happy right where you are.  Just to be yourself and to be happy.  Not to worry about what anyone thinks of you or your situation.  People are always going to have opinions and you always want to right the wrong, correct the lie. Ultimately, its impossible."  I know it sounds a little crazy but I think from now on I'm going to try and approach life in this mindset and to really try & embrace this more accepting view of yourself & being content where you are.  It just takes so much more energy to always believing "I'll be happy when....

Its so exhausting and you never really feel happy or fullfilled anyway! Something I try to remember every day is that "The best way to be truly happy.....is to want what you already have!

XOXO

T.