tbeattie81's Journal

HI! I'm feeling much better.  Seroquel dose is being raised, and EVERYTHING has been stopped including my only friend for pain: "maryjane"  but I have some Dr.'s Appt.s this week to talk more about long term care plan for my mental & physical health.  I don't awnt to take anymore pills, but I understand that I might have to & I'm okay with that too but quite frankly I just don't them to take away for too much longer the ONE thing that has helped and given me "my life & myself back" and people I feel don't understand that because of the prejudices against marijuana if people could slow down their own judgemental thoughts of it & others who use it & educate themselves like I"ve been trying to do then I think I would feel more supported and that they we're just yanking away all of my tools for pain control etc.  like 5 yrs ago when I was addicted to stupid percocet!  Ironically for my "stomach" pain, a "cycst" not sure what yet but its slowly getting better and maryjane doesn't help the cramping in the stomach, at least not for me, different THC components needed for different people & ailments!  Anyway, the pain in my head was getting worse becuase of me LITERALLY SHOVING everything in my body I could to stop the pain & its ALL COMBINING to cause me rebound where maryjane isn't working as well as it was!  Because I have SOO much more pain and nothing else is even coming close to helping esp. w/o HORIBLE side effects like the percocet etc. and so we're starting over and removing everything but s-l-o-w-l-y which is how i'm keeping c-a-l-m & just focusing on my b-r-e-a-t-h-e which with I think increasing the Seroquel to 4 a day now I"m finally able to slow all these thoughts down & my brain has S-L-O-W-E-D and hubby FINALLY got the job we've been wishing so hard for: FULL TIME OREGON TRANSFER, $15 HR!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

SO AWESOME!  

NOW IF I COULD JUST STOP THIS HORRIFIC NAUSEA FROM ALL THE PAIN I THINK, SO THAT I COULD NORMALLY AGAIN OR I COULD HAVE SOME HELP FROM MARY JANE MY FRIEND...

THEN I COULD HOOVER DOWN SOME FOOD LIKE NORMAL!!! BUT I PROMISED MY 'FAMILY' THAT I WOULDN'T UNTIL I TALKED TO MORE DR.'S & AT LEAST MY THERAPIST DR. WEBER WHO HAS BEEN HELPING ME USE IT IN A VERY HEALTHY WAY!  WHICH MAKES ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT USING FOR PAIN & I ONLY ONLY EVER TRY TO MAKE SURE I USE IT ONLY FOR PHYSICAL PAIN NOT ANY OTHER KIND OTHERWISE I'M SCARED TO END UP LIKE OTHERS WHO DON'T USE IT IN A HEALTHY BENEFICIAL WAY BUT QUITE THE OPPOSITE!  AND i FEEL LIKE DR. WEBER WHO SAYS "ANYTHING STRONG ENOUGH TO HELP YOU IS ALSO STRONG ENOUGH TO HURT YOU" AND I REALLY REALLY BELIEVE THAT BUT UNTIL VERY RECENTLY I FEEL ITS BEEN HELPING MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE.  SO IF WE COULD JUST FIGURE OUT WHAT'S GOING ON IN MY BRAIN CHEMICALLY THAT WON'T SLOW DOWN ALL THE ANXIETY THAT WAS BUILDING BUILDING BUIKLDING OVER THE LAST 5 YEARS AT LEAST, THEN WE CAN START TO GO BACK TO LOOKING AT MARY JANE ETC FOR THE BEST (BEST IN MORE THAN 1 WAY) PAIN MANAGEMENT BECAUSE AT THIS POINT MANAGEING ALL OF MY "DISEASES" IS THE BEST WE CAN DO....

i HAVE TO GO TRY & EAT ANYTHING; JUST ANYTHING I CAN KEEP DOWN BECAUSE MOM WILL BE HERE ANY MINUTE TO TAKE ME TO dR. wEBER TOGETHER TO TALK ABOUT EVERYTHYING INCLUDING WHAT I'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT HERE.....

I LOVE YOU GUYS & THANKS SO MUCH FOR REALLY BEING HERE FOR ME IN SUCH A SELFLESS WARM COMPASSIONATE WAY, WHICH IS ALL I NEED THESE DAYS!  

WILL CHECK IN LATER WHEN i KNOW EVEN MORE!