tbeattie81's Journal

even though I feel like i'm loosing it all MAYBE prego is giving so many EXCITING & HARD & STRESSFULL & OVERWHELMING CONSEQUENCES!  but we (brian & I) feel NO MATTER WHO SAYS WHAT (i have to remember this with my "real" family) that we are taking not CONTROL but getting CALM and that will help step by step breath breath I'm saying as a meditative mantrs which istread of obssessing about being healthy for a baby maybe someday! I'm TRYING SO HARD to FIND BALANCE because of my 3 very different lifes slamming into my brians awareness at an alarming and exhausting JOB but THIS FAMILY has shown OVER AND OVER BECAUSE I'M A HEART THAT'S HUGE WITH JUST AS HUGE HOLES AND EVERYBODY DOING THIS....BEING EHRE TO LISTEN TO ME HELP GET THIS AWARENESS AND PAIN CONTROL SLOWED DOWN TO BREATH AND SAY MY MEDITATION MANTRAS THAT I NEED TO GET STARTED ON BECASUE AGAIN I;M "CRACKING OUT" NOT BALANCED ETC. AND MY CEREAL IS GETTING SOGGY AGAIN AND UNTIL OR UNLESS BRIAN GETS UP TO GIVE ME A SHOT OR sONAYA MY NEW "TWIN SISTER" t & s WE WERE MEANT TO BE "SISTERS' BY "god" 

so....

SEE HOW I GET GOING CAN'T STOP SO I HAVE TO JUST BREATH AND STOP STOP STOP

NOW

LOVE YOU ALL HERE SO MUCH FOR HANDLING THIS THE WAY i NEED! 

XOXO

T

hi! i WANTED TO HUG YOU WHEN I SAW YOUR MESSAGE IN MY IN BOX...SO...
i WROTE THE FOLLOWING TO: PAMELA A PAIN FRIEND HERE WHO IS AMAZING RIGHT NOW AND JUST WHAT I NEED TO BE OKAY AGAIN AND FIND WHAT IT IS I NEED AND HOW TO MAKE ME WHOLE AGAIN...HOPE YOU TOO CAN RELATE AND FEEEL THAT YOU GET ME NOT LIKE I'M SLOWLY LOOSING IT ALL AND JUST NEED TO BE CALM I HAVE TO GO TAKE CARE OF THIS PAIN IN MY "OVARY?" NO EPTOPIC ALL TSTS URINE ONLY : BFN
Oh my sweet dear friend who is so sweet that it just helps me so much right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!  And all I'm doing now so that my "family" (Brian, Mom, Sonya, Erin) !!!!!!!who have all been here through this with me mostly the whole "fucking time"!  They wouldn't leave not matter what I did!  OOps see I have to go and take care of this "physical" pain & "emotional" pain caused from two things physically that's causing because of hormones(maybe pregnant) they wouldn't "help" me the way I needed to be helped in order to stay in control sorry not control different "c" word Family is trying to help me stay "C-A-L-M and REMEMBER to B-R-E-A-T-H-E so anyway see my brain CAN"T STOP so yes I need to go MEDITATE and I will after I finish this thought for you so you don't think I've tootally gone of the deep end over here! So....because I think I might be pregnant still!!!!!?????? They/We (family, etc) don't know for ABSOLUTE!  Because I have gotten Ovarian Cysts over and over more and more and more as I've gootenn older since I was 20 & the migraines kicked in which as kicked off this downword spyril of negative thinking because I can't even slow down my typing/thoughts here enought to do this perfectly the way I have to do everything. Yes that's just who I am and everyone here (family) Brian(husband) Mom (NICU Nurse Mom not CRAZY fucked up one that I"m trying so hard not to be like but the more I see it happening the more I start to loose control and I men CALM SEE.....
and Sonya (roomate whom I'm so close to I can't even esplain is words which I can't explain anyway!) OH!!!  SOO...
Because of all my pregnancy symptoms " you know the "ones" I'm sure I"m trying right now wathcing prego for dummies to relax getting info helps me too.
Because either way yes or no (stick home) but I can't stop throwing up, I'm exhausted but I"m also under a INSANSE amount of life/chemical brain changing so get my shit together so if I'm hanging on to IF I'm more okay because no makes me sad yes makes me sad because both are sad & overwhelming esp. with us wanting it so badly these days (the longer it takes the more I just want/need? to have this huge family to love and treat and raise the right way to leave the world a better place too which is one of my new goals  I just have to sure that I"m not obsessing about goals which oviously I am but "this" breakdown" is because of PAIN: ALL te time!!! they just said "its normal to have EVERY Symptom there is! and I DO have every single "normal symptom" but I thought that 3motns ago during another "weird ass/dramatic emotional period! they said hospuital peed )can't stop every 30 sec. drop drip  ! Infurarting so I haha wrong word again can't typr Fuck I have to go get CALM I love you too pelase tell me you understand all this I"m feeling and can't stop until I get more information to get control NO CALM.
THANK YOU I PROMISE IF YOU STAY IN TOUCH I WILL BE HERE ALL THE TIME THAT I NEED TO GET THIS KIND OF SUPPORT FROM YOU TOO (and this little family & our hopes & dreams I"m trying SO FUCKING hard (its literally killing me I feel & because its all exhausting me too (hromones too seroquel-been trying to get off of it HATE PILLS now and NOW Scared for maybe baby but the hospital said I needed MORE tests and let me leave/drove me out to leave before they committed me because they weren't helping I left in PAIN still with one shot of Toredol BULL SHIT (new STUPID BULL SHIT LAWS)  If I could afford my herbal med.  which I should be able to w/o killing myself with EXHAUSTION because THIS LIFE IS TOOO HARD>>>
Wake me up when its easier after I get a nice long fucking nap.....
I hope this means I"m pregnant but I"m scared they (dtupid hospital) didn't do anything but piss cup and I didn't get that again here on an EPT test because of starting bleeding which is HARD NO CLOTS though just A LOT had to BREATHE again in the B.R. trying again now. I want/NEED to go watch this to CALM not control.  please don't worry we have Dr.'s appts for more testing tomorrow and we're (my little family) together will all make it they said you just pick yp and start over every time you make a fuck up which I can't stop doing lately, clumsy, nerurotic just loosting marbles.  But I"m in so much PAIN from what they was a cyst and the hospital and everyone here is mostly agreeing but because of my insanity feelings in part and my medince the new one Dr. Weber my therapise who we're going to try asap today calling at 8 but just trying to make it to 3 am for a percocet which is causing REBOUND headaches plus HORMONES from "PERIOUD"????  TRYing to get OFF PILLS but Seroquel is NOT to HELP anyone with SLEEEPING which NOW is ALL I NEED MOMENT by MOMent BReakethe say this over and over meditate like Dr. Wber says who I"m calling at 8am but in the mean time I"m BEING VERY VERY VERY careful about what I put in or near my body and how much and that's why I'm not sleeping because I HAVE to do EVERYTHING I NEED NOW o even though it says 2 at bedtime MAKES ME ANGRY @ DR. PETerson who prescribed it ALL I"m still on (almost but basically) and I HATE PILLS THEY"RE NOT HELPING THEY CAUSE NEED FOR MORE PILLS UNTIL YOU REALLY LOOK and FEEL INSANE>
NOw, DON"T WORRY I HAVE TO GO DO THIS
NOW....
I LOVE YOU