miriamhyde's Journal

First, thank you to all of you for your kind thoughts, care, prayers, hugs, etc.  I apologize; this is really, really long.

That sinus infection knocked me out for a month, but that's gone now - whew.  But, life never stops, does it?

I can't remember chronologically; a lot of hard things have happened.

I had a major out with the ED of Alliance House; my ICCD Clubhouse that I have been an ACTIVE member of for 8+ years.  He's fucked me, and some other members, over bad. I hardly go anymore; it's too uncomfortable.  AH was a source of comfort and support, and I have been one of the strongest members since the day I joined.  There is such a void.  I'm not doing any certifications because of what he's told ICCD.  I don't know who to trust there.  He's cut me off from people I have years long relationships with.  I go for Employment Dinner, drop in occasionally, certain activities...but the joy is gone.

My step-father (Pop) died suddenly three weeks ago.  I had to go to Ft Lauderdale.  First, I had to beg and borrow enough money to get me and Natanya there.  Little bitch said, maybe, 20 words to me the whole week, and I haven't heard from her since.  I'm OK with his dying; I mean, I'm sad; I really loved him...;it was the family drama and trauma that got to me.  Jaffa hardly had anything to do with me.  I don't know what's up with those two.  I found out more about Jaffa's wedding from eavesdropping on her conversation with my sister than she's told me herself.  My sister - now that's a whole other story...

But at least I got to spend time with my brothers, and met Pop's family.  I got on well with them, and expect to have ongoing relationships.  Too bad we all didn't meet under better circumstances.  There were 300+ people at the funeral, and the calls, cards, etc didn't let up.

The whole week was a nightmare.  I had to get away from my mother, so I left and stayed with a friend.  Saw my ex- a lot - with Drew's knowledge and OK.  Art was wonderful; he was just there, drove me around, etc.  My mother, international speaker, Messianic Jewish Holocaust survivor, is and has always been just a vindictive, mean, angry unforgiving she-monster to me and my brother for as long as I can remember.  This time, I said, "no more".  I still call her every couple of days - I'm not heartless.  She's widowed a second time, and - unbelievably - Pop left a horrific financial mess.   I don't know how she's going to get by.  No one saw it coming.  I feel that Jewish guilt every day I don't call her, but the wounds are too deep this time.  Or rather, I've finally admitted how deep they always have been.

I love my mother, and I love my daughters.  I have to accept that none of them want me around.  Perhaps for a time (it's been a long time with Natanya already); perhaps for a very long time.  I don't even know if I will go to Jaffas wedding. Since I have been home (10 days), I've done what I can to keep going.  I feel like Pandora's Box opened every level of anxiety possible.  Nightmares, sick to my stomache, headaches, numb, spacy, always close to tears, shaking, panic attacks, really poor sleeping.  I haven't in a long time, but I'm taking Klonopin at least twice a day, just to kind of maintain. I don't know how much the kids at home observe, but Drew knows how bad it is.  He truly loves me.

I'm not exactly depressed, definitely not suicidal.  I realized that I don't have a clue on how to "let go".  I never let go of anything/one.  Unless - I push it so far down that I just can't remember.  It's either there or it isn't.  It feels like the only way to get thru this is to put them into deep freeze.  I don't know how to send a friendly email, without crying while writing, "Hi, just checking in with you.  How are things?"".   The loss is just like when I not only lost custody of my daughters, but when their father moved them from Florida to Maryland.  I only saw them six weeks a year for a while.  This feels the same, but more permanent.

Probably stems back to my mother.  I never knew when I was going to get hugged or beat, so I just "went away".  I just want my daughters either in or out of my life.  This waiting until they're ready is going to kill me.  But, I can't say anything to them.  I can't tell them how much they've hurt me, and Drew, and the kids.  I can't shake them and make them see the truth about the past, and their father.  I also realized that I have spent 99.9% of my life just trying to get approval from - whoever.  My mother.  Daughters.  Bosses.  Men.  Pretty much everyone.  Since I've been home, I've been told by those who know all that happened how wonderful I am; they don't know anyone as caring; passionate, etc.  Don't they know it's all a sham?  OK, maybe it's not.  Maybe I am all that, and more.  I don't know where to put my feelings; everything is so intense. I scare myself.

I did decide that I was going to try to get looser at home.  Maybe I don't have to go crazy about every little thing.  I haven't yelled at anyone.  I've spoken firmly - and Drew backs me up now because I'm not raving about everything.  Kids don't know what to make of it.  I'm friendlier and more approachable, but determined that things that are really important to me will happen.  I need an orderly home.  They WILL keep their rooms straightened up.  Play all they want, but clean up after.  Learn to do the things they know how to do, need to be done, and just do it.  I've tried to tell them that if things just get done, there's nothing for me to get angry about.  Like, WALK THE DOGS!!  I am enjoying the baby more.  I told myself, "100 years ago, we all would have lived together, or close by, with all the babies, etc".  It's obvious Vanessa's really trying to get along better, so that makes it easier, too.

Michael has been doing fairly well as far as the schizo-affective goes, but the Aspberger's is SO present.  Drew is even frustrated.  At 16, he has no clue about emotions, nuances.  He's incredibly smart, but didactic.  The only response he knows how to give to almost everything is an angry, threatening stance and facial looks.  He has no idea how he comes across.  He's a BIG kid, so it's even scarier.   He's really not angry most of the time - he just doesn't know how to express himself any otehr way.  We don't want to give up on him, but it is really frustrating to know that if he can't learn social and other life skills, he'll never succeed on his own.  He's really a good kid, but so hard to be around.  Marcella?  I just don't know about her...

Money.  We haven't been in this kind of trouble since we first got the kids.  BIG trouble.  For the last few months, I've been on Capitol Hill, "lobby-ing"for Medicaid and disability rights.  Testifying, emailing, calling, speaking with legislators, press conferences, meetings and meetings, so on and so on.  Looks like Medicaid may be saved (it does feel good to know I was part of the solution),  but mental health care is taking huge cuts. Not sure yet how that is going to affect us.  As I told one state senator, with a guy in a  wheelchair sitting next to me, "You have five people in one home in wheelchairs, worse that may happen is they bang into each other.  Put five people with mental illness- without proper treatment -  into one house, you're talking suicide and homocide." Any money we've ever gotten from Drew's dad is deducted from his inheritance.  Since September, the amount we got each month has withered to almost nothing.  We're barely making rent.  Ducking collection calls. We're OK on food.  I got Vanessa, and the twins, jobs that pay cash.  They keep half and the other half goes into the house.  The stress is killing us, but it's funny - Drew and I are closer than ever.  Odd; I'm usually the one finding help and resources for other people! I know everyone is having financial problems.  It's just that on top of other stuff; and the severity.  I don't know what we're going to do about the mental health Medicaid cuts...

Drew is DYING to see the Eagles Reunion concert.  I'm actually trying to barter online to get him tickets. Exchange gift cards...I even have ads up that says, "Do a good deed"..."Give yourself good karma"...just give me a ticket or two!   I would almost sell my soul - it would make him that happy.

I hate feeling so helpless, and sometimes, hopeless.   This just isn't me.  Or maybe it is, but I just bury it well.  I don't know.  The more I try to figure things out; the more I introspect, the higher my anxiety; the sicker I feel.  To not do that, I have to put myself into deep-freeze.  I have so much to do to catch up - I've missed three weeks of everything.  I can't let this stop me.  So I keep going. 

I keep going.