lilacwoman's Journal

Not the future that I hope to have with James.  I want that future more than anything, and I hope that it will come to pass.  But, I can't let it keep me from experiencing and enjoying the blessings of today.  Am working on my visit to James even now, though it won't happen till June.  I have to get the dates approved at work, and then James has to get the days approved for visitation on his end after that.  Next, I have to get the bus ticket, and make hotel arrangements.  I stay at one near the prison every year.  The owner is super and even comes to get me at the bus station, so I won't have the expense of a rental car, which I could never afford.  I can walk to the prison and have.  It's about 4 miles away.  But, he also takes me to and from the facility, unless I ask to walk, which I often do just because I like to exercise.  I pay him extra for his time and gas, but nothing like I would have to pay with a rental car.  I'm hoping to marry James this trip, but still haven't heard from the chaplain, so sent him a second letter yesterday.  I'm hoping he will e-mail me the information i need to make it happen, and will help me on that end with the process as I will not be there in person for more than a few days.  James and I are both scared to death, not having very many good experiences with the opposite sex till each other. so we both have a lot of trust issues.  But, we have the same goals and priorities, love each other very much, and have talked about those things which worry and concern us so we won't fear them in this new relatonship we wish to have with each other.  Let's face it, marriage is a gamble, whether you marry someone inside of prison or outside those doors. You gamble that the person you are marrying is just as committed to making you happy as you are to making him happy.  But, you don't find out the answer to that queston until after you say I do.  I want a husband who cares about my happiness this time, not just his own, who will consider my needs, value my ideas, ask my opinion, about things which affect the both of us.  I don't think that is too much to ask, even though I don't see it in the relationships around me for the most part.  James does all of those things now, so I am hoping marriage will not cause him to lose any of those qualities .  Please God, don't let him change!