AdrienneD's Journal

 My name is Adrienne and i lost my mother Cathy about 6 months ago. My mother was disabled by a stroke an i had been caring for her since i was 11 years old. I had given my life to her. My mother was also a drinker to get . the last few months she had been alive were really hard for me. she had increased in her drinking becoming violent and hard to help.She then told me to leave and that i couldn't live with her anymore. i moved in with a guy i was seeing. my mother then wanted my back and then didn't...she was extremely confused because i was her closest friend and she really didn't like being without me. i continued to stay with my boyfriend ( i will use this term to describe him) yet i made weekly if not more visits to my mother. that saturday night before she passed my mother and i talked. i told her i was coming to see her the next day and told her how my boyfriend and i were getting a better apartment. she was upset and said she probably wouldn't see me till Christmas. we talked for a little while and she calmed down knowing i was coming that Sunday before i was to go to work. that was the last time my mother and i had conversed. the next day i was headed to the store to pick up some food and then planned on going to visit my mother i got a call from the neighbor. she said my mother was lying on the living room floor. i thought she might have drank and passed out but i called my sister who was in the area and has said that ma had been sleeping on the floor when she came by. so i finished  my shopping and got a second call from the neighbor saying my mother was surrounded by vomit now and was making strange sounds and that she was going to call an ambulance. i called my sister and rushed out to the hospital. the doctors tested her and said she was not drinking at all. she had a brain hemorrhage and they didn't think they could help her because she was on a blood thinner from the first stroke she suffered. they med flew her to another hospital. when i got to the second hospital they told me she suffered another stroke and there was nothing that could be done. my mother and i had a discussion about he being on life support many times and she didn't want to be on it and a vegetable. so i had to take her off of it because it was her wish. it was the hardest thing i ever had to do. i felt helpless and knew i had to be strong for my sister cause she is younger. i still cant sleep sometimes and have no will for life. i don't know how to live my life without her. i don't know where to begin living for me. i am so very sad and depressed and i don't think i am getting better because i am closing up. i don't know what to do.