Journal

Things are not falling into place for me right now. I'm living in the RV in my exhusband's driveway.  Feeling very uncomfortable about it because I know he still has feelings for me.  I'm keeping as much distance as I can for fear that he will get the wrong message. 

I want to go home, I want my boyfriend back.  I am hurting so badly and right now I can't stay out of my head.  I can't stop thinking about him and us and what we had.  Than I remember the email and the words he wrote "we had a deep love but it is gone".  God those words are like a knife.  IT'S NOT GONE FOR ME!!!!  How can he say that?  How can that be?  Did I know his feelings had changed, absolutely...but I yet I didn't see this coming.

I'm looking for an apartment and am having a very hard time finding one!  I just want a home of my own, a space where I am comfortable.  

13 months and one week ago today I walked into the Women's Welcoming meeting of AA not even sure I was an alcoholic.  Of course, by the time I left I was sure I was a 21 page drunk.  I haven't been going to that meeting, I've barely been going to any meetings.  But I decided at the end of a very emotional day that I had to go to a meeting.  It was exactly where I was supposed to be.  I wanted to share, and I know I should have shared but I didn't.  I did (after 13 months) add my name to the anniversary book though.

I need to make the commitment now to AA and myself.  I have to focus on me right now and stop putting off my 5th step...I've only been working on my 4th step for oh, let's see,  7 months or so.  It's time to do some housekeeping.  For me, myself and I.  

I also need to make a better effort at turning my will over to my HP, as a matter of fact, getting closer to my HP and getting back the trust.  I can't focus on anything else right now except ME and getting at a better place in my recovery.  

Whatever will happen, will happen but I need to be in a better place emotionally and spirtually.  

Let's see how I feel tomorrow??  LOL