mschif's Journal

I took my first dose of Atripla on Sunday night and of course, I made a BIG PRODUCTION out of it! I seldom do anything small or common. I almost convinced myself I should wait another week before I start.   But I finally sucked it up, said my prayers and did the deed. My heart was racing and my anxiety high...I was so scared to take the pill and I think I convinced myself I was going to die when I swallowed it.

On a positive note, I only had to pay $25 for my prescription although the actual cost of the med, according to my paperwork, was $1,653.29. That is just criminal in my book and I wonder how peeps without insurance are supposed to cope?

I have only 2 doses of this med in me right now but it is leaving me feel really nauseous and woozy and my brain is pretty foggy. I also have auditory and visual hallucinations an hour or so after taking it. It's as though I can hear several radio stations all at one time and strange images keep popping around my brain. I can't tell if I am actually seeing these things, or if they are in my head, so I keep opening my eyes so I can differentiate. The instructions are to take this med at bedtime so that these side effects are minimized, but it seems to make me anxious and agitated and feel like I am strung out on sleeping pills. (sleeping pills always whack me out and tend to do the opposite to me)  I AM going to have to reevaluate when I take this medicine for this reason, because I AM not getting proper rest now.  I have Atripla hangover!

I saw my regular doctor yesterday and he said I could go back to work when I wanted to, but he did not think I was ready yet.  Both of my doctors told me I should gain some weight as well.  Not because they think I AM underweight, but rather, in case I get sick so I have a little weight to help me out.  Fuck that shit!  Damn I hate it when doctors say shit like that.  Maybe I should remove my breasts and larynx just in case I am prone to cancer in those areas...well, that is my take on statements like that anyway.

This whole process is very heavy and frightening for me and the fact that I have HIV/AIDS has suddenly become a serious reality.  I don't think I could possibly explain my anxiety and fears in a way that is understandable or coherent.   I really do not understand it myself.  It's very heavy and frightening and serious and not even a good chuckle eases my brain.  I look forward to BEing able to laugh again. 

BE WELL.