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mschif 
8:21am, May 31, 2009
Well it seem that Thursday will BE my 2 year Anniversary here on DS, although it doesn't seem like I have been here that long. Where does all the time go? Make sure you all leave me party favors and kisses on that day, or else. lol
I AM leaving in the next day or two to go down to KY to visit some friends and will not have reliable access to the Internet while I AM away. If I seem to BE ignoring you this is why.
Marriage stuff is back up and bubbling again and I'm going to tell you that I AM exhausted! I don't know what I want or what to expect anymore and to be quite honest, I DON'T CARE ANYMORE! Dave and I had the FIGHT OF ALL FIGHTS last week and I completely lost control and went into a fit of utter rage destroying everything in the bathroom and leaving a BIG hole in the door where I kicked it. The hole in the door goes all the way through to the other side so... you know I had some serious RAGE in me when I let loose. (be afraid) We also had a bit of a wrestling match, which left us both bruised, though my bruises far outnumber his. We are never physical with each other but this last episode changed that. We were not hitting each other but rather trying to strongarm each other, which ended with me hitting the floor and him left to clean up the mess in the bathroom. tsk, tsk. Although, in my book that means I WIN! 
I never act like this and I am not prone to violent outbursts, but this episode was a looooooong time in the making and I no longer had control. It's kind of scary actually, to think I AM capable of such rage. I even thought about taking one of Dave's guns and shooting up all the fucking walls and windows in the house. eeek!
This trip will be good for me and give me a bit of breathing space and time to think.
Until next time...
BE WELL.
Anger as soon as fed is dead -
'Tis starving makes it fat. ~Emily Dickinson
Comments
Oh girl, I am sooooo sorry. Strange that you and I are going thru some of the same feelings with the marriage thing. I try to chant the anger out of me and focus on PEACE. I know tho, that we can be so tested...so pushed to utter anguish, ugh! Never got that physical (be very careful, esp. with the gun thoughts). The space will help a lot ... I too need this. I go out and talk with my girlfriends and he does not, so he tries to make me feel guilty about it ... AND I KNOW WHAT HE IS DOING AND IT DOES NOT MAKE ME FEEL A BIT OF GUILT, because I am entitled to feeling better and if it means me going out with my friends...so be it, ugh! There I let off a bit of steam, whew! Okay, enough already. You just go have fun in KY and if you are around Lexington...go visit my sister...she is a nut. Loveyagirl, Kat P.S. Hotmail is not working very well for me after they updated it to a new, f-up system...so always email personal stuff to other address.
katsmeow
Men, they're a bunch of assholes! I'm with you on that rage thing, sometimes I feel like doing just that when I get into arguments with my ex-husband. I knew those weren't healthy emotions, that's why I finally asked him for a divorce. Although things aren't much better, at least I have my sanity. That trip will be good for you. I hope you find some peace of mind there. (((Hugs)))
TruBlu
I'm so sorry, Joann.... I wish you peace and rest this week...
Choirlady
Hi Sweetheart Two Years, yes, take a look back at all those journals wow so much has changed right. I just had to say hi to you to let you know that you have helped me and have been there for me for these years. I Love You Dear Friend. Ree
reenee