mschif's Journal

I'm feeling less than inspired lately.

BLANK

My husband is going out of his way to BE kind and loving these days.  I wish he would stop.  I do not return the LOVE.  Sorry.  I just do not trust it at all!

I'm SPENT. 

The other morning I awoke to husband hovering over the bed, touching my face lovingly.  I asked him what he thought he was doing and he said "I LOVE YOU."  It was one of the sweetest, most sincere things he has ever done, but it only served to piss me off and confuse me.

PLEASE STOP with all of this up and down and back and forth.  PLEASE! 

I'm waiting for my garden to slow down so I can take a break away from him and here and maybe spend a bit less time in my head.  Spend quality time with friends doing the things I LOVE.

Things will BEcome abundantly clear then.  I'm convinced. 

I called and set up an appointment with our local AIDS Network to once again BEcome an active client.  My status was put on hold a few years back, since I never required any assistance or services, but things have since changed.  I told the woman on the other end of the line a bit of what was going on in my life as of late.  She mentioned counseling services if I so desired.

I DO.

It will do me good to have an in-the-flesh person to bounce all of these thoughts and emotions off of.  Help me get perspective and put things into place.  De-compress.

I suffered a LOT of trauma as a child, which I thought I had dealt with and compartmentalized healthily but... so much of that stuff has been invading my brain and psyche lately.  I AM not sure why.  Those old fears and tears are infecting my brain and making me so sensitive yet... I AM BEgining to understand a little more of my internal workings and decisions by reflecting on those traumas.  A healthy yet painful realization.

I remember many years ago, when I was newly diagnosed, attending a HIV+ retreat in California, and going through marriage woes.  The first night I listened to a speaker named Shakti Gawain and she talked of many things, but one thing she talked a lot about was relationships.  She talked about how we as humans sometimes cling to others and/or serve as enablers and such.  Dysfunctional relationships that are constantly exchanging energies in an unhealthy balance.  She then talked about how people evolve and change and how these "unhealthy" relationships change.  It was so spot on then because I was certainly experiencing that in my marriage at the time.

When it came to Q&A time I raised my hand and asked her point blank... "What do you do when you realize the dynamics of your relationship are less than ideal?  When you come to a point where you no longer require the Energy you were stealing from your mate?  How do you move on and evolve when there is someone else involved?"

"Excellent question!" she exclaimed and then she went on to explain her thoughts on such things.

I wish I could remember what she said.

BE WELL.