mschif's Journal

First the Happy Stuff!!!  Yesterday was a delightful day and I spent the entire day devoted to the garden and processing food.  I like to make large quantities of foods and put them in the freezer or can them for future days when I don't feel much like cooking.  Yesterday I made stuffed peppers, some for eating now and the rest for freezing.  I don't follow a recipe I just add this and that and taste stuff along the way and sneak other stuff in like extra fiber, green tea and Vit. C.  (I'm sneaky that way)  I also picked a bunch of elderberries and made some jam.  We have elderberries growing all over out here and I always wanted to make some jam with them so...yesterday was the day.

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It takes a lot of elderberries to make 1 pint of jam and I managed to get 4.5 pints with my efforts yesterday.  That is a lot of picking and mashing and squeezing juice from around lots of tiny seeds.  I spent over 1 hour just picking elderberries, which seem to grow all over out here.  It's pretty messy actually but OMG the finished product is so utterly delicious... mmm*mmm*mmm  TASTY!  I make it with green tea and extra Vit C, reduced sugar and a few drops of Stevia for sweetness.  I will not give any of this jam away and plan to keep it all to myself...but if you visit I may offer you a cracker sized bite.  LOL  Only catch is, I will insist that you rave about how delicious it is! 

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Don't BE scared it's only elderberry juice and jam!  It's traditional Berry Picking Make-Up and without it you are not guaranteed a successful hunt so... BEst to appease the GODS of ABUNDANCE and...

BECOME ONE WITH THE BERRY!

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Yah, I'm a bit of a nut but I'm sure you already know that.  I actually forgot I had that stuff smooshed on my face yesterday so when the "husband" got home he gave me such a look and said what is all over your face?  LOL  Well, he is used to me BEing a little off my rocker and yah, we did share a laugh.  This is good.  I thought to take a picture of my face otherwise...well we would BE the only 2 peeps to see such a silly thing.  It's fun and you know what???  It washes right off so...why wouldn't you smoosh some berries on your face, arms and legs?  You just do not get the same effect with raspberries as you do with elderberries so...I save my raspberry tribal markings for the actual jam...it sticks to the skin so nice! ;-P

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So now for the other stuff...hmmm...I'm quite frustrated actually.  It was such an emotional weekend for me and Dave, the talking and crying and deciding that our marriage is not working.  I mean, it was really FUCKING HARD and I struggled to make it through everything, but I DID!   Once I had some time to digest and rest well...I felt better than I had in weeks now that we had "the talk" and addressed the elephant in the room.  Finally you know, we are not stuck in the snow and we were communicating.  I thought we had come to a place of agreement and PEACE and were going to start the process of divorce.  I thought, I thought, I thought....I guess I cannot speak for he. ahhhhh

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Yesterday he comes home and is trying to BE all loving and kind, give me a kiss and tell me he loves me.  I was not receptive at all... I mean come on!  He noticed me pull away and stated that I AM cold, well good golly gee what do you expect?  I asked him what he thought he was doing and he said he loves me and wants to work it out!!!  WHAT???  'Are you kidding me?" I said, "for crying out loud what in the hell was all that shit this weekend Dave?  Do you think this is funny or some kind of joke?  I thought we had come to an agreement, which I might add was your freakin' idea in the first place and now...now you say you love me and want to work it out?!  DAMN YOU!"   "Ahhh... we had this conversation Friday remember?  We had this conversation 10 years ago too, remember?  Nothing has changed and we both promised this and that when we married again but here we are again on repeat.  Does another swing of the bat make sense?"

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He said he would work on this and that, I made no such promise of anything.  I told him that he promised this and that BEfore I agreed to marry him again and now, here we are again with the same damn issues.  How can you say you will work to change when nothing really has?  Not to mention the affection now feels forced and insincere, you know?   I mean if you have to make a conscious effort to kiss and hug your wife well... I just don't know how that can come from your heart.

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Honestly, I just do not trust his efforts at all.  I know him all too well and quite honestly I BElieve his effort at working it out is just another way he has of controlling me and making it look like it is all my fault.  He has an incessant need to always BE the good guy and play the role of martyr man.  POOR DAVE!  ahhh...  so yes, I do BElieve that is his motivation now so that he might say, "I tried to work it out but she doesn't want to, she doesn't love me anymore"  or some such thing.

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The first time we went through this same stuff I let him blame it all on me.  I did not confess all of the shit he said and did and let everyone know my side of things.  NOPE!  I kept all that pain inside and sucked it up, it really didn't matter anyway but this time I CANNOT do that!  There have been a couple of really painful episodes here in the past year and I cannot let it go.  This time I shared my pain with a few close friends and told them the TRUTH of what he said and did.  It hurt to the fucking marrow and I cannot forget it or let it go.  I told him that and reminded him of what he said and did and of course he just cannot remember any of it, now or then.  Yah right, I have never, ever known him to sleepwalk/talk so... he knows full well what he said and did and I WILL NOT ALLOW THAT EVER AGAIN!  An apology just will not do, his words and actions sliced me in two and I really, really cannot let it go, and the sad thing is, a lot of it is directly related to HIV.   Then and NOW.

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Some things will NEVER CHANGE!

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Listen here, my husband is not an asshole or a dick or any such thing and I do love him and always will.  He's just a man who's wife happens to have HIV and he does not...(well he needs to get rechecked cuz it has been many years and I swear if he tests positive, I will kick his ass so damn hard he will bleed!)  He has many wonderful qualities and I'm glad he has been in my LIFE.  You don't think I would marry a jerk and stick around for 20 years do you? (-2 year break, which I jokingly call a HOLIDAY!)  Of course he wants to twist it all around you know and say I don't love him and I think he is a horrible man, blah, blah, blah.  He struggles to look deep inside and admit truth's about himself and would much prefer to live in the dark and go with the FLOW.  Indeed so would I!  It sure would make life easier if I wasn't constantly checking in with myself and analyzing my thoughts and motives and trying to Learn and Grow...but I cannot BE that way you know...unless I get lost in the drink and that is not an option EVER AGAIN so... yah, now I have to face myself every day and it is not always sunshine and fun in JoAnnLand BELIEVE ME!

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OK, feels better to get that out.  Like I typed earlier, historically I kept all this garbage inside and would not share.  I always wanted to think I was so tough and could handle everything all by myself but I know better now, I learned the hard way, but I DID LEARN and I'm learning more every day.  I will not get swallowed up in this again, I will NOT!  I'm learning to trust and let other's in and admitting right now I'm really very weak and vulnerable and scared, so scared to have to go through this again.  I'm getting old and I'm so very tired, so tired I can't keep up with this up and down and back and forth and I cannot continue to live a lie and immerse myself in make-BElieve.  As much as I want to go back to oblivious living and shunning reality, I CAN'T!  My soul will not allow it and my SPIRIT insists on BEing consoled and held and loved again to BE WHOLE. 

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SPIRIT IS VERY STRONG IN ME, FIERY & HOT RED! 

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Wish me wings, I really, really need them.  Thank YOU!

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BE WELL.