Journal

I'm trying to find a job. Trying to replace the best job that I've ever had, because of the maniac-depressive episode. I was a happy nice guy working hard on people computers at AT&T. 8 years, being the hardest working, best IT tech, making sure I was outworking everyone. Then my mind starting racing in june 06, starting talking faster, more alert, more irrated, meeting people. I didn't know that I was so out of control. I guess that I started flirting more, coming on to more ladies, out speaking my supervisors, co-workers. I didn't even know what BP was, until one of my co-worker showed me a evaluation chart, from a magazine. This co-worker was new to the IT department, a trouble maker, always complaining. She ticked me off, so I started complaining with her. I thought it was a coffee rush. The people that I supported notice the difference, but I didn't in my behavior. Human resource was asking me questions. My maniac episode got me arrested. Kicking in my girlfriend door in, even though I was married. My wife had to get me out. My girlfriend, from work, had a male friend over and I found out. I survived all of that, but the depression came. I couldn't survive that. I could face anyone at work at that. I tried from Oct. 06 to go to work. I miss so many days, used all my vacation time, couldn't work. I was scared to face people at work, the same people that I use to help. I slowing started to lose all my confident, until I used all my days up in August 07, and could even show up to work at all. I couldn't even ask for help. Sept 07, I lost my job.,  I lost my girlfriend in Dec. 07, which she was my best friend. Dec. 07, my child support went up to $1412 from $706/month, because my wife put me on Child Support. I was already paying $706 for my oldest daughter before marriage. Even though, I haven't worked since Sept. 07, child support didn't care about my problems, unable to work. I just signed my divorce paper of Mar. 31, 2008, ending my marriage of 12 years. So, tomorrow I will try to seek a job at a Job Fair. Trying to talk with strangers. I wish my maniac stage would come back, but i'm deep in depression, Wish me luck!!!!! Talking about starting over. Diagnoised with BP in Oct. 2006, arrested in Oct. 13, 2006, started slipping into deep depression in January 2007, while dealing with the court system, Anger Management classes, community service, I was wanting to die all of 2007..........forgive me for all the errors in spelling. I think that I would take maniac behavior over depression any day, if I could control it.

I'm trying to reach out to someone who understands. I don't understand myself, but I'm miserable. I can't talk on the phone to people who I think will understand. I just too nervous of rejection. I have lost so much, because I can't talk about it. I will continue to try, but everyday I closer to losing my house. I lost my job, and just signed my divorce papers, Monday.