Mari52's Journal

Okay, I really need to vent and scream, but I can't scream right now, so I will put it all down in my journal here.  I am really, really having a hard time this week with my mom being gone.  I don't know for sure why this week is so different from any other week in the four months since she died, but it is.  I am constantly on the verge of tears.  I can't sleep or work or take care of my kids, nothing.  I feel very ANGRY that my mom is gone, and she is never coming back.  When they told us two years ago that she had uterine cancer, I just knew that she was going to die, because it was very advanced by the time they found it.  So I guess I should have been prepared in November of last year when they called me and told me that they didn't think she would last a week, because the cancer was in her brain and causing a lot of swelling.  But I wasn't and now I feel like I am going to die of a broken heart.  (By the way, mom was a fighter and she lasted until December 1, three weeks later.)  So, since I feel angry, I am going to list the reasons why I feel angry, just to get them out into the open, so that I can see if I can find some sort of relief from this incredible emptiness that I feel inside.

1)  I am angry at the doctor who kept telling mom that her symptoms were due to menopause, and telling her she didn't need a pap smear or any other tests.

2)  I guess I am even angry with my mom for not going to a different doctor after I told her what she was feeling wasn't normal, and she needed to get a second opinion.

3)  I am angry because my kids are so young, and my mom was such a good Nana to them, and I am worried that they won't remember her later.

4)  I am angry because when they told us my mom was going to die within the next couple weeks, they said that she was going to go to sleep and not wake up, and that she would just stop breathing, and when she did die it was horrible and not like that at all.

5) I am angry because even though my mom and I had a lot of good talks during the last two years before she passed, and she knows that I loved her and I know that she loved me, in the last couple of weeks before she died the cancer made it hard for her to know who we were, and she wasn't to understand us or verbalize what she was thinking either.  I wanted to talk to her like always and I couldn't.  I wanted her to talk to me and tell me stuff like she always did and she couldn't.

6)  I am angry because I don't get the support I need at home from my husband, who pretty much thinks that I need to get over it and move on already.  These days I feel like making myself a widow....... (of course, I am kidding, I would never do that)  I am really frustrated with our relationship.  He was angry because I left for five weeks to care for my mom and also to make the arrangements after she died.  I think he feels like I abandoned him, but GIVE ME A BREAK!  God willing we have the rest of our lives together, I knew that I only had a couple of more weeks to be with my mother.

7)  I guess most of all I am angry because I loved my mother so very much, and I miss her and I want her here.  She is never coming back, and I am just now realizing that. 

Well, I actually do feel better at least expressing my feelings, if not aloud, at least writing them down.  Hopefully my next entry will be better.