Jwnk's Journal

i keep thinking of the positives and the negatives. My friend who was recently diagnosed with depression has been going through a really rough time as of late, i have known her for 18 years, we grew up together, we were really close and she was like a sister to me. All my childhood memories are with her, and because i didn't have many friends of my own and neither did she, it made our friendship even stronger and to this day, i still value all that time i had with her. Her Mum had re-married and they had moved out to the country, we didn't see each other too often as her cousin got to go and stay with her more than i did, but everytime she came to town she would end up staying at my house and it was just like old times. She ended up moving to a different city for a few years and made new friends and we really grew apart. we were still friends but we had lost that closeness between us. I felt hurt as i felt as though i was 'being replaced', she didn't want too much to do with me after meeting new people, things have never been the same between us since. Anyway, since she had been diagnosed with depression, things had seemed to be going downhill for her, everything was going wrong. I felt really bad for her as i know exactly what that is like, i wanted to do something for her to make her feel really happy, it was difficult as she lives with her cousin who doesn't speak to me and i'm not welcome around there, so i got together with my sister and we planned a party at my dad's place, he lives rural so we didn't have to worry about neighbours complaining about noise etc. We planned to start the night off with a bon fire since it was close to guy fawkes, and we would basically re live all our good childhood memories. I didn't want to tell her about it as i wanted it to be some sort of surprise, so before i made plans i had to make sure she made no plans for that night, so i started of by asking her if she could come to my dad's bon fire, i gave her the date and she agreed to it. I told her that we will camp over the night as we would be drinking and there would be no way of getting home.

My family who were also going were going to do the same.

I started making plans and then checked with her again if it was ok for her to go, she said it still was. I ordered lots of food for a BBQ, and for supper, bought a tent for us to sleep in and my dad took the night off work so he could be there with us.

After everything was all planned, i started to get cold feet thinking she will end up saying she is too depressed to go, or come up with some other excuse that always seems to be the way, so i started talking to her about how fun it's going to be and how it will be like a time where we camped out in her backyard.. She agreed with me.

On guy fawkes night, we went to see fireworks at the pier and even though i didn't get to talk to her much, i really enjoyed hanging out, it was just like old times.

The next night, the night before the party, she rang me saying she couldn't make it as she had no money, so i asked her what she was planning on drinking and said i would buy it for her, and she didn't need to worry about spending money to get home as my partner would drop her off the next day. I wanted the whole night to be stress free. The next morning, i had text her and told her i bought her some drink, she thanked me and i said we would pick her up that night, we were no longer having the BBQ as i agreed to babysit my baby nephew for an hour.. I don't see him very often and i value all the time i get with him.

a few hours before we were going to leave, i told her to go on the internet so she could let me know some songs that she liked as i was going to make up a cd of some songs that everyone liked. She couldn't go on right then as she was also babysitting.. then i think about an hour later she text me and said she's not going anywhere. I was a little confused and hoped she didn't mean she wasn't able to make it to my Dad's.. I mean after 2 weeks of planning this and everyone going out of their way, it's the last thing that i wanted. She was online so i asked her what she had meant by that text message and she told her that the Doctors told her to stay home and relax. I became angry and said that i knew this was going to happen and so did everyone else as she has always done this to me, i told her not to bother. I sent her another text, i said a few hurtful things to her and said that she always does this to me when i make plans. After a while she told me that she could go that night but she just has to control her drinking. I wondered what had brought this on so my sister gave the place a call, told them who she was and asked their honest opinion of C**'s current condition, they told her that they can't give away information because of the privacy issue but said that she rang them and told them she was being made to go to a party tonight where she would have to drink alcohol and she didn't want to go. That hurt me even more as she lied to me saying she was ok to go, which made me go ahead with all the plans. They said that because she has depression and has made threats about harming herself in the past, they thought it's best if she's not under the influence of alcohol as she could start having those thoughts again. I know as well as she does she is fine when drinking, it's only when something bad happens she starts having the thoughts, but because i had planned it to be a stress free night, i thought she would be fine, but controlling her drinking was ok, I was ok with that as that's the sensible thing to do, people can have fun without drinking!! 

I was getting ready to go when she text me and said she's now babysitting her other little cousin in the morning and made it sound as though she had no plans at all for that night.

Again, that made me angry as she had not long said she was ok to go and she can't keep mucking us around like this.. Not the right words to use, but everything was setup at my Dad's place and i had already spent alot of money in the process. I rang her and asked what was going on, after an argument telling her how everyone has gone out of their way for her, and a few more harsh words, she had agreed to go, she told me she's not going to be much company as she just wants to stay home and read her book. I told her to bring her book with her, i will bring a lamp and she can read it in the tent.. I still had it in my head that the night was going to turn out ok, once she knows what it's really for it would cheer her up.. i guess i was in denial.

I packed up the car and i text her to say we're on our way to pick her up, she didn't need to dress up and she can go as she is. She text back to say she will meet me down at the shop near her to make it easier. We quickly called into my partner's aunty's house to pick up a sleeping bag for her since she didn't have one and a spare air bed, we got a little held up as his aunty was going mad that we didn't ask first and her son was planning on taking them out.. she let us take them anyway, but again, we had put someone out, but that didn't matter.. the night was going to be great.. 

I text her again to say we're leaving now, we got to the shop where she said she would be and nobody was there. We waited in the car for a few minutes incase she was still walking down, then i got out and walked to the corner to see if she was on her way. She was no where in site, so i text her again asking where she was. She didn't reply, so i said i'm going to go down to her house. Still no reply, I warned her that i was at the gate and i was going to go the door, i'm not welcome there but because this night was for her, i didn't want to just leave her there while we drove off. I went to the door and i heard people talking so thought she must have got held up. I knocked at the door and after a few minutes her cousin came to the door and was nice to me which is very unusual... she told me C** wasn't there, she had left about 10 minutes ago to go down to the bus stop to meet us. I thought that was really strange, i swear i heard her talking inside but i gave her the benefit of the doubt, i told her cousin i didnt realize she was going to the shop to meet us which is why i called in there.. she would wonder why i went to the house otherwise. I rang my partner's cellphone and asked if C** was down there, he was waiting for me by the shops where we arranged to meet her. She wasn't there. We did a search of the area incase she had ran off but she wasn't anywhere to be seen. My sister also came and searched in the opposite direction, while my brother stayed in the car outside her house to see if she walked back home, or if anyone went out. After about an hour my partner said to me that we may as well still go to my Dad's house since everyone had gone out of their way to be there and we drove off.

While we were looking for her, i sent her a text message saying i know that she was inside when i went to her house, thanks for lying to me.. and i told her not to ever bother with me again.

This was the final let down i ever wanted, i was in tears as i felt as though everything that i had planned over the past couple of weeks was a whole waste of time. I didn't want to go back to her cousin's as i know it would have started an argument and i wasn't up for it at all.

She finally text me back and said she's not home, then she text again and said she was there but she had gone down to the shop to meet me but someone started throwing bottles and eggs at her so she went home. there was no smashed glass or eggs around any of the shops near her or around her house, and if that really did happen, her cousin wouldn't have lied saying shes not home.. nothing added up. I was honestly too weak to text her back.

Once we got there, my partner explained to my dad's wife about what happened and why we took so long to get there. i still felt weak from crying. I saw that this guy we knew from the internet was there which somehow perked me up, he said to me he was going to invite my ex's brother along.. i can't remember why he said it.. i had text my friend again saying who was there and who he was planning on inviting.. for some reason i thought she would text me back saying she wished she could come, especially knowing that person was there, we always have a laugh when we talk about him. but she never replied. My dad lit the bon fire and everyone tried to cheer me up but it just wasn't working, all i could think about is what went wrong. I spent the rest of the night in the tent by myself, waiting for her to send at least one text message but she didnt. i woke up almost every hour in the night, still checking my phone then i checked my phone when i woke up in the morning, but of course, nothing was there.

When i got up, everyone was already up and were talking about how bad it is of her not to turn up, after agreeing to do so, they were also talking about how we had been friends for all that time, i didn't get to hear everything they said as my mind just switched off, i went all weak again it was almost as if i had blanked out.. i was sitting there awake but was not aware of anything that was happening around me. The same goes for the car ride back home..

i have never ever felt that way in my whole life, i dont know why this was so important to me and i wished that i had just told her that the night was suppose to be for her, but i didn't want her to think i was weird for it, i have known her for almost my whole life and i'm still afraid of what she thinks about me. i guess it's because we grew apart, and now i think i have lost her forever.

What hurts me the most, i have told her this before, when her other friends ask her to go out, even as late as 10/11pm at night, she goes out with them and i hear about all the fun she had while she was out and i read facebook messages from her friends about it, but when i plan something with her 2 weeks beforehand, she cant make it. But if her friend planned something with her 2 weeks beforehand and something tried getting in the way, she would be firm and make sure that nothing stops her from going out. This has happened a few times with me but i have never heard of it happening with any of her other friends. I'm the one who she has known for the longest but i feel as though she treats me like some annoying thing shes forced to spend time with or all hell will break loose.. 

I don't know what to do. it's been tearing me up for more than 24 hours, i try and think of other things but it doesnt work, i drifted off to sleep and woke up with my heart pounding, thinking of what has happened. everyone around me has noticed it and told me to just move on and im now better off without her, but nobody understands, i dont even understand myself why im so upset. is it because this just keeps reoccurring, or is it because i miss the friendship we used to have and i know that things are never going to come close to what we had when growing up.

i valued our friendship and felt good inside knowing that i was there for her when things went wrong. But it's really hurtful to think that she never felt the same way... or if she did, those feelings vanished when she made new friends...

I'm not going to get back in contact with her after what she did, i honestly dont think she really cares if we're friends or not

Everyone around me has said for months that shes not really a true friend of mine, they can see it but i cant, or is it that i just dont want to believe it? 

i guess time will tell. let's just see whether she gets in touch with me or not but i have a feeling that if it did happen, it wouldnt be for a long time.