Journal

Dear Journal,

    I know I havent wrote in a long time. I'm sorry I sank into a depression that threatened to take over. I thought I was going to end up being one of the crazy people you see talking to themselves on the streets. I even contemplated checking into a mental institution. It was like a darkness that I was falling into and everything that happened whether it be good or bad was either pushing me further into the darkness or pulling me out a bit. More bad was happening than good so the light at the end of the tunnel was non existent. This past sunday I made it to church. Thank God for that because now I see that light at the end of the tunnel. The message at church was meant for me to hear so I know it was God that had me go that day. I havent gone to church in a long time...Once in 6 years and this one would make it twice in six years. I blamed god for everything bad that happend...I know now that it was satan leading me to believe such rediculous things. I'm working with god to help pull me out of this depression that almost took me under. So I'm getting there. If you've given me hugges and were checking up on me maybe even left me a comment or  two this is for you THANK YOU! coming on this site and seeing that I had some kind of support base also helps.  I really appreciate all of this during me time of need.  

Dear Journal,

    If you just found out a family member had cancer...even if it is a stage one...cancer is cancer...wouldnt you be worried and want to do anything you can to try to make life easier for that family member especially if they are still learing about there condition too? Well, not my family!!! Blood family that is. The family I made for myself (i.e friends) are the true family and only family I've ever had. I'm not exactly sure how all this works but I...according to what my doctor says am in stage 1 of 4 (4 being full blown invasive cancer) of my cervix. I did some research and at first I thought it was just the "precancerous" cells they were talking about that needed to removed by performing cryosurgery aka cryotherapy to freeze these cells. But the "precancerous" cells are called Cervical Intraepithelial Neoplasia (CIN) and they only go from 1-3. The cervical cancer goes from 1-4 and each of those stages are also broken down into "mini" stages of that stage as well (i.e. 1A1, 1A2, 1B1, 1B2) I fall into stage one but was not told which stage 1. No one in my family seem like they give a krap! When I found out I had PCOS...I was by myself, When my PAP came back abnormal and the doctor said "We are running furthur tests to see which type of HPV you have...there are 2 Low-risk and High-risk" At that time all I knew HPV to be was GENITAL WARTS and I wanted to just die. I went to a specialist to then find out that low-risk HPV types are the ones that cause genital warts and high-risk types are precancerous. And if untreated will eventually turn into full blown invasive cancer. Honestly, I prayed that I had cancer rather than genital warts...I can fight cancer but genital warts you'll have for life! I told myself if I have genital warts I am going to kill myself. And God answered my prayers by giving me what he knew I'd be able to fight...CANCER. The test came back and said that I have the high-risk type HPV. I then did a colpolscopy, cervical biopsy, and uteran biopsy (because of my irregular period they wanted to rule out polyps and fiberosis in my uterus). When that test came back he proceeded to draw a picture (lines and circles) lines to represent the layers of tissue and circles for the cancerous cells explaining that which I have earlier about stages 1-4 and mini stages. Lastly telling me that I am in stage one. He told me I could do different treatments such as cryotherapy/cryosurgery, or C02 Laser Vaporization. I go for the cryotherapy on the 9th of April. I'm scared, alone, depressed, etc. My only friends that I have are all in the mainland (continental U.S) so to come to Hawaii to support me is out of the question. Because over the next 5 years I have to be watched carefully to make sure it doesnt come back and to make sure it hasnt spread! All I want to do it cry. My fiance is in jail until the 21st of April so I will remain alone until then. I dont know what to do. I think I'd have to be dead in order for my "family" to realize that something was really wrong. I'm not saying that I'm completely alone I have GOD. But all I'm saying is that it helps to have someone in the office with you while you go through the prodedure and cry and stuff you know? Thats all I ask for...is that too much?!