amyb26's Journal

well i guess im ok. i have a confession. i started using suboxone again. i did it because stopping narcotics causes weight gain and so do half the meds im taking and i gained about 20lbs over the past 8-9 months. i couldnt deal with that. ive always been a small person and now that im average size i hate it! the suboxone makes me not want to eat and if i take enough of it it makes me throw up what i have already eaten. i love that about it! im one of those people who doesnt really mind to throw up. especially if it makes me lose weight. im not bulimic but i could be. the suboxone also gives me energy to clean the house and stuff. since i got clean about 6 months ago i just havent been happy with myself. i gained weight and had no energy and i let my house get too messy and i just cant deal with it. since i started taking the suboxone again i have already lost about 6-7lbs! thats just in about 3 weeks! if i keep taking it the way i have been i will be back to my little size in just a couple more months! i already feel better because i feel like i look better. if it takes suboxone to raise my self esteem then is it really that bad? i know its bad. if my husband found out i was taking it again he would kill me! he never knew about my addiction before. i kept it secret for a long time and he never knew. now that ive started taking the suboxone again i have to keep it a secret. he hates suboxone and doesnt like me to take it. he knows that i take it occasionally and he still hates it. i dont like keeping secrets from him but i feel like he doesnt find me as attractive as he used to because of my weight gain. i know how bad this sounds. my weight is a huge factor for me and sometimes its all i can think about. i used to be a size 0 and now im at about a 4 and its driving me crazy! ive been going on and on about this for a while now. is anyone getting bored yet? i guess its my journal and i can write what i need to, right? i always write these entries and because i know that others are probably going to read it i tend to keep my thoughts down because i dont want to bore people or anything. i need to stop that dont i? i need to write for me and me only. that being said, all i can think about is my weight! i wish i could think of something else but i just cant. this is all ive thought about for months. if i could only get back to a size 0 i would be so happy! i have been working out some too so its not all just about not eating and throwing up. i tried to do it the healthy way but the suboxone makes it go so much faster! im gonna stop writing now cause im obsessing about weight again. does anyone think this is a problem? i see how it could turn into a problem but once i get down to a weight im happy with i'll stop. im not anorexic or anything. i just want to feel like me again and i cant so that if im carrying around an extra 10-15lbs. im gonna go now.