amyb26's Journal

so i guess im ok today. kinda messed up. i got some suboxone the other day and its made me sick! i cant believe i used to take that shit all the time! it hyped me up enough to clean the house from top to bottom so thats good. i dont really mind that it made me sick. it sounds horrible but i have been really struggling with my weight gain from seroquel and from getting off the pain pills and because ive been throwing up for a few days ive lost weight! i know if you are reading this that sounds awful but i feel a little better about myself now. i havent eaten in about 4 days and i can already tell that my stomach is flatter and my clothes are looser. im hoping that all this not eating will make my stomach shrink a little bit so i wont be able to eat as much. im not fat. i just have to keep telling myself that but i want to be skinny again. thats the ex-anorexic talking but its true. if i could lose about 10 pounds i would be so happy! ive been working out too so i should be able to drop the weight pretty quick going this way. i didnt realize that getting clean caused weight gain at the time. i still want to be clean i just cant gain any more weight. it will be a lot easier to not eat now that ive gotten started. this sounds bad doesnt it? do i have a problem? i dont think i do. im just glad to be losing weight again. im going to this party tonight that should be pretty cool and now i get to look good too. its gonna be a cool party. its on a friends land in the county. its private property so the cops cant mess with us. we have a couple of kegs and its $10 to get in and free beer after that. we have live music. my husbands band and a friends band are playing and quite a few people have said they are coming. it should be awesome! my husband and bro in law and several friends have put a lot of time and effort into this and i really think its gonna turn out good! im so excited! the shirt im planning to wear will look so much better now that ive lost a few pounds. sorry i keep going on and on about that but its important to me. i dont really plan on drinking tonight either. im proud of myself for that too. i have been drinking too much lately and i know thats partly why i gained weight too. i was drinking several times a week and now i havent had a drink in about 2 weeks! i dont even want to drink anymore. that will make me lose weight too.

on the downside, my friend who has been sick for a while, anyone reading this still im sure you've heard me talk about him. he got into a car accident on monday and is in the hospital again. im really beating myself up for that because i talked to him right before the accident and he was at the grocery store because he couldnt get his daughter to go for him and he shouldnt have been driving in the first place. he said he was kinda dizzy but he lives close to the store and he was determined to drive home. i begged him to wait there and let me come get him but he said he would be fine and then he wrecked. i shouldnt feel responsible but if only i had pushed harder for him to let me come get him! im mad at his daughter for not going with him because she knew that he wasnt supposed to drive but she is a spoiled brat and doesnt care. at least he didnt hit anybody else! that would have been even worse but he is in the ICU listed under serious condition and i dont really know whats gonna happen to him now. its all been too much. hes been so sick lately and now hes injured too and theres nothing i can do about it! i feel helpless in this situation. ive been trying not to dwell on it but i cant live without him. hes been my best friend for 6 years and he has helped me so much and now theres nothing i can do to help him. im crying now. thats partly why i havent been eating too because im a nervious wreck because of him. all i can do is be there for him but i want to just make it all better. i want things to be the way they were 6 months ago when he was healthy and we would just hang out and stuff. it will never be that way again. oh jeff. why do you have to die?