meganK08's Journal

Im never good enough ever... for anyone. Today my pain wasnt so good I had a family member last night call and ask me if I even thought of calling 911 those few days before my mom passed 8 years ago. She had had a haert attack at home and I begged and pleaded her for me to call someone because my dad was at work and she wouldnt let anyone else in the house. So Ive been pretty upset. All hubby could say was baby your a teenager I dont know why you answer the phone just dont talk to your family. So today he was in a super pissy mood and Ive been having a rough few weeks my newest MRI came out saying that I have damaged yet another nerve and it is very inflammed. SO as scary as that it hubby was gone most of the day and yes I was in bed until he left for the gym. But he said tonight getting mad at me yet again because I didnt put that rack back in the microwave or my glasses in the sink. But yet i managed to do three loads of laundry, hang it all up, and clean the bathroom and the living room, dusted and kinda vaccumed by then I needed to lay back down. My new med makes me kinda sick and I had gotten sick three times tonight. Does he care nope I should of had it done because all I do is lay in bed or on the couch. I was watching a movie and the only other tv he was playing video games on. I can understand them once ina while but not everynight for 5 hours, I swear he is there from 7 till 1 and oh hey this weekend is two for one on his shooting game. God you'd think I was married to a teenager. He just cannot understand and he wont go to the dr with me. The other night wednesday he was wonderful we laid in bed and he curled up behind me and wrapped me up in him and we watched movies and talked all night until he had to leave the next morning to drive a friend to the hospital to see his brother 4 hours a way. I just cannot seem to understand what was so differnt that day than it was today. Am I that horrible to be around. Yes right now Im going through a terrible time no one should ever hear that your family thinks you killed mom by not calling 911 when you should even though she said no. Hubby doesnt even know the whole story. These past 8 years I have been through more than I ever need too. And as much as I want out of my marriage sometimes I have no where  to go so its scary. I just want to stop crying everynight and not be married to a man who thinks this is his castle and I am the child.