meganK08's Journal

i really want to start losing some weight I feel like a giant blob who doesnt do anything. Ive gotten to afraid to go out too. I end up hurting really bad, working isnt going well, I didnt even get my haircut today and I was really looking forward to it. Im having a terrible time with my weight though and just getting motivated. Im so tired during the day because I havent been able to sleep. and I got the tylonol pm just to try. I use tylonol in between my oxy. So anyways I get up numerous times with that also.

One top of all that im having family problems and not my hubby no this is my dad, sisters, aunts, uncle you name it. My uncle or ex uncle who my aunt divorced late last year called me today. He lied to me through his teeth too. My family when i was younger we all did things together and I could count on them its not there anymore and I feel so lost and im tired of trying to fix things by myself. I shouldnt have too.

Im taking this semester off. I just feel like I cannot do it. I cannot focus at all and I cannot sit there. PLus my laptop is dead and i have the hardest time just being on the desktop. Ido still go to the library and I read and take notes after the books for classes I would have taken this semester so when i go back I will be awsome at it.

I just im not sure how to explain it. I no longer feel like me. Im living in a place now where it is scary to go out day or night. Im in southern new mexico and if any one watches the news you do not go out at night. I had to beg my aunt not to go on a mission trip in mexico they kept telling me if it was what god wanted they would go but I mailed them a lot of pictures and news articles about what is going on so they changed their minds and are now going to mississippi.

How do you exercise when you hurt like I do or when you cannot sleep because of the pain and are just drained. I had a dr appt yesterday for my sinus infection I already know what it is. I just started using a z pack that I had left over. He said I could because I fell asleep on the couch about 30 minutes before i was supposed to go.

Hubby keeps trying to make me go out and about but I have no money I dont want to waste my gas and Im sorry but two cars to go to the gym that is ridiculous. I like going to swim classes and meeting new people but lately I have no get up and go Im going to be more huge. People when I go out get mad at me for using a scooter when I have hard times walking or ask me how far a long I am. No nerve block this month and I should be happy because the swelling will go down but My pain just keeps getting worse.

I did take up knitting I go to classes and that I try to get to but it is still a work in progress. I feel like Ive lost something very dear to me I just dont have that pep anymore and would rather do things around the house and I.... I just have been having a hard time around people. They have become very quick to judge and Ive just lost some faith in people I have been hurt Im too trusting.

I just want to lose the weight I want to see my face in the mirror not a beach ball. or be asked if im preggo im not why is everyone so mean. So I have been learning to cook I will run to the store about 6am and get the stuff I need and I have been working on our new home. I just need to find some great pictures and some end tables. I work a lot on the internet and I really want to take a couple self defense classes. Through writing I can see the old me but i feel drained like when you have the flu and i dont. I need to go back to counseling but I just dont have the money to go. I planted  some tulips the other day and Im going to make it my spot where I can think of my mom. she is buried up in Kansas and  I feel horrible around birthdays or holidays when I cannot get up there and bring her flowers.

Im going to try and go out and about tomorrow prolly just target. I want to find a new bathing suit to hide my stretch marks and hugeness and I want it to go away so bad. dr said it would but jeez. anyways im going to turn on a movie and crawl in bed im hurting a lot tonight and i need some sleep.