Journal

Im never good enough ever... for anyone. Today my pain wasnt so good I had a family member last night call and ask me if I even thought of calling 911 those few days before my mom passed 8 years ago. She had had a haert attack at home and I begged and pleaded her for me to call someone because my dad was at work and she wouldnt let anyone else in the house. So Ive been pretty upset. All hubby could say was baby your a teenager I dont know why you answer the phone just dont talk to your family. So today he was in a super pissy mood and Ive been having a rough few weeks my newest MRI came out saying that I have damaged yet another nerve and it is very inflammed. SO as scary as that it hubby was gone most of the day and yes I was in bed until he left for the gym. But he said tonight getting mad at me yet again because I didnt put that rack back in the microwave or my glasses in the sink. But yet i managed to do three loads of laundry, hang it all up, and clean the bathroom and the living room, dusted and kinda vaccumed by then I needed to lay back down. My new med makes me kinda sick and I had gotten sick three times tonight. Does he care nope I should of had it done because all I do is lay in bed or on the couch. I was watching a movie and the only other tv he was playing video games on. I can understand them once ina while but not everynight for 5 hours, I swear he is there from 7 till 1 and oh hey this weekend is two for one on his shooting game. God you'd think I was married to a teenager. He just cannot understand and he wont go to the dr with me. The other night wednesday he was wonderful we laid in bed and he curled up behind me and wrapped me up in him and we watched movies and talked all night until he had to leave the next morning to drive a friend to the hospital to see his brother 4 hours a way. I just cannot seem to understand what was so differnt that day than it was today. Am I that horrible to be around. Yes right now Im going through a terrible time no one should ever hear that your family thinks you killed mom by not calling 911 when you should even though she said no. Hubby doesnt even know the whole story. These past 8 years I have been through more than I ever need too. And as much as I want out of my marriage sometimes I have no where  to go so its scary. I just want to stop crying everynight and not be married to a man who thinks this is his castle and I am the child.

i really want to start losing some weight I feel like a giant blob who doesnt do anything. Ive gotten to afraid to go out too. I end up hurting really bad, working isnt going well, I didnt even get my haircut today and I was really looking forward to it. Im having a terrible time with my weight though and just getting motivated. Im so tired during the day because I havent been able to sleep. and I got the tylonol pm just to try. I use tylonol in between my oxy. So anyways I get up numerous times with that also.

One top of all that im having family problems and not my hubby no this is my dad, sisters, aunts, uncle you name it. My uncle or ex uncle who my aunt divorced late last year called me today. He lied to me through his teeth too. My family when i was younger we all did things together and I could count on them its not there anymore and I feel so lost and im tired of trying to fix things by myself. I shouldnt have too.

Im taking this semester off. I just feel like I cannot do it. I cannot focus at all and I cannot sit there. PLus my laptop is dead and i have the hardest time just being on the desktop. Ido still go to the library and I read and take notes after the books for classes I would have taken this semester so when i go back I will be awsome at it.

I just im not sure how to explain it. I no longer feel like me. Im living in a place now where it is scary to go out day or night. Im in southern new mexico and if any one watches the news you do not go out at night. I had to beg my aunt not to go on a mission trip in mexico they kept telling me if it was what god wanted they would go but I mailed them a lot of pictures and news articles about what is going on so they changed their minds and are now going to mississippi.

How do you exercise when you hurt like I do or when you cannot sleep because of the pain and are just drained. I had a dr appt yesterday for my sinus infection I already know what it is. I just started using a z pack that I had left over. He said I could because I fell asleep on the couch about 30 minutes before i was supposed to go.

Hubby keeps trying to make me go out and about but I have no money I dont want to waste my gas and Im sorry but two cars to go to the gym that is ridiculous. I like going to swim classes and meeting new people but lately I have no get up and go Im going to be more huge. People when I go out get mad at me for using a scooter when I have hard times walking or ask me how far a long I am. No nerve block this month and I should be happy because the swelling will go down but My pain just keeps getting worse.

I did take up knitting I go to classes and that I try to get to but it is still a work in progress. I feel like Ive lost something very dear to me I just dont have that pep anymore and would rather do things around the house and I.... I just have been having a hard time around people. They have become very quick to judge and Ive just lost some faith in people I have been hurt Im too trusting.

I just want to lose the weight I want to see my face in the mirror not a beach ball. or be asked if im preggo im not why is everyone so mean. So I have been learning to cook I will run to the store about 6am and get the stuff I need and I have been working on our new home. I just need to find some great pictures and some end tables. I work a lot on the internet and I really want to take a couple self defense classes. Through writing I can see the old me but i feel drained like when you have the flu and i dont. I need to go back to counseling but I just dont have the money to go. I planted  some tulips the other day and Im going to make it my spot where I can think of my mom. she is buried up in Kansas and  I feel horrible around birthdays or holidays when I cannot get up there and bring her flowers.

Im going to try and go out and about tomorrow prolly just target. I want to find a new bathing suit to hide my stretch marks and hugeness and I want it to go away so bad. dr said it would but jeez. anyways im going to turn on a movie and crawl in bed im hurting a lot tonight and i need some sleep.

Hey everyone  I just wanted to write some stuff out for a while maybe I will get tired. The weather is supposed to get yucky today and I may head to the grocery store early but i swear my dog is having major anxiety tonight this morning. god im so tired he has not layed down ALL NIGHT he goes from my walk in closet to inside the bathroom, then paces around the bed. he is my baby and I would shut him out of the room if I could but he would go into a panic and potty somewhere its happened before a lot just when im not home. he wont do it for my hubby just me lol. hubby and i decided just to do stuff for each other for valentines day he is going to make me my favorite dinner and Im going to work really hard today to get the house clean. I was really sick last weekend yucky sinus infection and was sick to my stomach. I still get the yucky tummy but i have antibiotics so im not as bad off as I was. Did lose 9 pounds from it so woohoo. Was really funny my family dr was amazed by how much weight I gained.  havent seen him for a year and last year I was at 82 pounds after the long time in the hospital and this year  I was at 120 pounds before I got sick. Im waiting for the sun to come up a little bit then I will head out. I do not ever go out at night unless I have someone with me. mace or no mace just not a good idea. but yep going to go and work on the house I wanted to goto the gym and just float around the lane for an hour but it is ok mother nature has it in for me i just know it i swear.