grndmudder's Journal

    I have not written a journal in a month. I just finished half of one and it disapeared for no apparent reason. I hate that!

    We will be getting a new computer right after Oct. 22nd. That is when  the new Windows is released. It is supposed to be better(so was Vista though.) But James and I figured it would be better to wait and get it with the new Windows, than to get it now with Vista and then have to change over on the 22nd(even if it is free, it will probably be an act of congress.) I am waiting impatiently.

    I went through an awful time trying to go through my son, Steven's house and personal belongings. My grand son is 21, and grand daughter 16, they got what they wanted, and if they did not, they can go back and get it. I declared myself officially DONE.  I was an emotional and physical wreck. I finally lay on Steven's bed and cried for what seemed like hours. James fussed untill I went home. and he brought me water and 2 Valuims, and told me to stay put. My James is never bossy and never tells me what to do. I am so spoiled by him. When my health is the issue, he gets upset, and he draws a line in the sand. I pretty much listen to him then, because I know I am in physical or emotional trouble or as this time both. I will do no more and go in that house no more. Steven in in my heart and soul. Part of me died with him when he died. I have to go back to life and I need to try to stay there.

    I have been in a high level of pain all week. I hurt all over. Part is change in season and part is stress. I have my Fibro. flaring up and my arthritis. My herniated disks are herniating! Or what ever it is that they do when they hurt. I feel so useless. Even typing this is a painful chore for my hands. It hurts when I drive and when I hold my book to read. I get very frustrated, and discouraged. I hate it when the pain controls me. I hate it when I have to take a narcotic pain pill, but I resort to it at times like this. I did not sleep Friday night at all. I slept 2 hrs on the couch, and it is nearly 5:00 AM Sun. and here I sit. Hurting and awake. I will finish this, take a darn pill and go to bed. I pray for sleep.

    I was in my psycologist's Thurs. He thinks I need to change my meds. He says I am getting too depressed, and I have a DR apt. the 22nd and will talk to my DR. I hate fooling around with my meds, because it is so rough for the first few weeks. I have so many side affects and allergies too. It is always a long process to find something that will work. I have to do this every year or 2. My body stops working with the meds.

     I am on a new mission. I am trying to work on putting myself and my marriage first. I have been the care giver of my family and extended family for 40 of my 56 years. James has the motorcycle getting all fixed .(we have not ridden it in forever.) We both love to ride, and have some friends we ride with. I will try short trips first and see just how much my body can take. Our group is people our age, some older some younger, and we stop really often for people to rest, get a soda, or the smokers can smoke, and we girls always have to potty! I decided getting old is NOT acceptable, and I protest. It isn't slowing it down any though.

     My Mom told me something today that has just stucj in my mind. Mom is 84. She said that she decided that this was right:
"I CRY FOR THE LIVING NOT FOR THE DEAD. THE DEAD ARE AT PEACE IN A BETTER PLACE."

     My Mom is an amazing woman.

      I love each of you, my DS family. Please keep praying for me and my family. Things are rough around here finacially. Our unemployment rate is 14%. One of my daughter in laws got laid off. She is a Servaior (I do not know how to spell that!) You know they measure property lines and roads, only she does the office/computer part not in the field. She was making a lot of money. My grandson's job is closed for the next month or so. My other daughter in law just graduated from the Police Academy. I think with crime rising, maybe she can find work. James graduated last Jan. from college. He did not even get a raise. He is not griping, because he has been with this Co 20 years, and they laid off 300 people last year. We are just thanful he still has a job. I am a bit worried about the New President and my Disability. My Dr. will right for sure tell anyone that I am not able to work at anything. It is hard for me to ride in the car an hour, or sit an hour. I cannot stand either. I must rest during the day, or I will be not so good by afternoon.

    I love you all, and I thank God that I found yall on DS. My prayers are with each of you. Love,Peggy