Journal

Day Three

Saw the Doc on Day 3.  He says my flu is now pneumonia. Got some strong antibiotics for that and trying an inhaler for chest congestion. Also - I will get a CT scan to check the size of the tumor and for any growth. I am encouraged by that, it will  answer some of my questions. 

When I got home all my energy was gone and I slept the rest f the day.  

I still had questions I wanted to ask the Doctor - but there just wasn't enough time.  

Anger.

If I had all the money in the world I wouldn't get to see another doctor for a month, there is a Doctor shortage here. There is no one left to see.  

I am left feeling insignificant.  

Day four

The inhaler is helping with breathing. My fever is still 102 so I still feel really dopey. I take a Tylenol  and it drops but then in a few hours its back. Frustrating. 

Logging in and finding two new hug notices is very positive. Total strangers wanting to send me encouragement. The world is not such a bad place after all.  Thanks guys.  * HUG BACK* 

Learning, searching the net - I ofund this today about vision loss -

http://www.revoptom.com/handbook/SECT54a.HTM

"Since tumor growth is usually asymmetrical, the field loss between two eyes is also typically asymmetrical. "

That's interesting because I am loosing vision in my left eye. Maybe this is related to how the tumor is growing?

I know that two summers ago I could stand on my front porch and look across the parking lot. I could see clearly the shape of the cars at the end of the lot.  Today, when I look with my left eye it's all just fuzzy patches of colour. The right is still OK. 

Took the Dr. Phill test.

Got 42 -

41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the centre of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out. 

That sounds very affirming and positive. I think I'll read that again from time to time.  

5pm  - Had more energy this afternoon which was nice, unfortunately, more pain too. My back and sides hurt too much to get up and down the stairs without a lot of effort. Not giving up though, I really want to get some laundry done today. It is a simple pleasure, but I really enjoy having clean sox and a fresh t-shirt. 

Got through another day. Thanks to all for the virtual hugs last night, it was a rough night.  

Got up on time and have to get to class. One foot in front of the other.

Woke up crying so I feel tired again, but even in robot mode I know I can make it to the bus.

I have  a fever again. Cold sweat. Only one class today then I can go to the clinic.

Can't miss the class it is the prep for the final exam.  

Clinic hours may be over by the time I get out but can't stress about that now.

I remind myself there are other clinics.  

Not sure if anyone reads these.

I hope someone does. The idea of not being alone is comforting.

Got to see positive things. Have to look for them.

My tea tastes good. I have cream and sugar which is nice.

Washing up, the hot water is refreshing. Clean teeth, tastes better.

My outfit looks OK, the clothes are clean and the sox match.

Here we go.  

- - -

OK its 10pm

temp is 103.28. Drat. that means another trip to the clinic in the morning.

Breathing is harder tonight.

Tried hot bath at 4 . Back feels better. 

Big assignment due tomorrow morning for class. no pressure, LOL.

This essay is taking too long. I can usually crank them out.  

find the  positive - only three more exams then this term is over.  

no news from last medical yet. worried about tumor growth. trying hard to keep my mind off that.

hot tears again.

another day without coffee, need to get some sleep tonight.  

Got an exam on Friday - got to try to push that back a bit if they keep me in the hospital. 

I WANT TO FINISH THIS YEAR . Anger. So close. 

University, my dream, I want this.  

I am a late- 40s woman and I have a tumor on my pituitary gland (in head, under brain) the size of a golf ball or a walnut. It showed up on an x-ray last summer (2007) when I was being checked for a sinus infection.

I have been trying to get a ct scan or MRI but it is almost impossible.  

The problems the tumor causes are:

- green/black fluid build up in breasts 

- breast pain

- back pain

- fatigue

- depression 

I am not sure why it causes all this back pain and fatigue but I am hoping to find out.  

So far I have been unable to get the medical help I require and I am getting very frustrated with trying to find help.  

I have been dealing with suicidal thoughts for some time now and trying to just take things one day at a time.

I have been to the clinic six times and the doctors keep telling me to go home, take a tylonol, and come back to see another doctor in a month. 

I am scared. What if I don't have a lot of months left? I would really like to know how to find out what the rate of growth is and where I could get some treatment for this.  

I live in Canada and there is a severe doctor shortage here. I have to wait another month before I can see anyone.

There is so much more I keep wanting to write but then erase the words again because they sound too depressing and I am trying very hard to keep as positive as possible.