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Anni48 
I have learned today that even though I have felt good about coming off the anti-depressants, that I'm not immune or in a perfect place to still not have overwhelming emotions. I guess that is what happened earlier this week. On the meds, my emotions were totally under control...and control feels good. Not in control...not so good. I know I need to be able to accept my feelings for what they are and to continue to work thru them and realize that I don't have to be perfect, even though I feel like I should be.
My dreams...will they come true? I'm moving towards my goals and life is generally very good. When I think about my past and how certain events may have affected future dreams, I do want to cry. I guess I'm not quite as strong as I want to pretend I am.
Anyway, I keep thinking about this song and what it reminds me of from the past.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=7LLaeRUsWr0
When I was married, my ex-husband constantly told me how ugly I was and that I was stupid and that all my opinions should be kept to myself. When these issues are raised very innocently, I still feel the past come crashing back to haunt me. I strive every day even after all these years to prove that he was not right about me. He has even apologized in recent years about how he treated me. But words don't just go away. The things I can't even mention are still there too. So, I still have work to do. I'm not perfect and not in control and am working on accepting that. Journal, you know my heart....
Comments
Wow! I can so relate to virtually everything you have written. For me in terms of dreams, I find that working for the dreams is every bit as important as arriving at them. They are what keep me inspired and full of hope. As to control, gosh when I know the answer to that one, I will get back to you and we will write a book together. Hey! I am serious about that so don't forget, okay? As far as ugly, stupid and keep quiet - well perhaps we both already wrote that book and it's time to simply put it back up on the top shelf. We already know how it ends and it's not all that fun. Pick the mystery!!! My 2cents and a cuppa java ~ Gypsy
wildgypsystyle
Like Gypsy I too can really relate to pretty much everything you have gone through and are going through now sweet Anni. I know it hurts - emotional abuse is a hellish thing to live through but they were lies and you can't believe them. You are very beautiful and extremely smart - I love your opinions - you have great opinions. I'm glad he told you he was sorry. Emotional scars are deep though - I know this very well. You just keep that pretty chin up and know you are going to be ok and more than ok you are going to be HAPPY! If you believe it then you will be. Happiness is a state of mind. I may never be able to give up my depression meds. I've been on them for eleven years. I went four years w/out them but then after Eric's dx I restarted them. I've gained so much weight on them but they help to keep my depression at bay so I take them every night!
kay, I'm writing a little book here so I'll stop now. Just know I care - so many care and we are here for you.
xoxo,
Luann
LuvMyCoffee
p.s. I love that song by Heart! You love good music. = )
LuvMyCoffee
I can relate to the verbal abuse. My abuse was from a step father. He called me ugly and unattractive and so many times told I didn't know what I was talking about and to just shut up.
The fact you want to change is a good start. I sm certain most of us aren't as strong as we pretend to be. Let me know if I can help! Jennifer
Jleemurpa
You are all amazing women. Thanks for your words of wisdom and comfort.
Anni48
p.s. sometimes, I find it inspiring to look at what green words pop up.
wildgypsystyle
You might want to tell your exhusband he needs to get some glasses. When my eyes were at their worst I could've have seen you're beautiful. And you've got a beautiful attitude too and a good outlook on life. Keep going. I see things getting better and better for you.
Mike
foxysdad
I agree with foxysdad your ex is blind, it is his loss :)
jarrettg