Journal

I know people who have been reading my entries for a while must think im crazy. I know i think so negatively all the time. I dunno it's ironic, how i was so scared for a certain thing and then all the sudden i put myself in the situation where i put myself at risk. so back in june when i was seeing alex, he was sick and didn't tell me , like he had a cold or something, i hear you can transmit it through mucus, is this true? ii dunno im just so paranoid about things, i always think i have it now and i'm scared to get tested again because id on't want to know the results, you know life is finally going WAY better for me now that i've moved and for some reason it feels like i am not allowed to be happy, like once things are going well, something MUST go wrong and i really don't want this to be one of the things. I am no longer seeing alex, i don't think i would have started dating him but i was in a vulnerable position at the time. i wanted so badly for someone to treat me right and be nice to me and he just happened to be around at the time, otherwise i don't think i would have done it, now i'm paying for consequences if there are any. By moving and starting all over i feel like i am being given a 2nd chance at things and I would like to start that without the H. Then i always wonder if karma is real...well in july alex bought me a plane ticket to see him, i went down there and i just couldn't do it, so in the middle of the trip i asked my friend to come pick me up so i didn't have to be there and of course alex was upset, who wouldn't be? but i just couldn't lie to him and pretend i was happy and i definitely wouldn't have sex with him....i don't know, was it wrong of me? to just tellt he truth ? or should i have pretended? i try very hard to be honest these days

ii don't know why i dig myself into a deeper hole.

So ever since i came back from los angeles, i've had the issue come back, now all i can think about are my tonsils and neck lymph nodes being swollen, waht was it like before i got like this???? and i feel unbelievebly tired, never gettting enough rest, i haven't worked out in almost 2 weeks, i went to the gym yesterday, but i was feeling funny like i forgot what it was like to sweat, i'm not sure what's going on but i'm tired of the headache, i should get a 3rd test but i am afraid of the results.......