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sprytling 
1:29pm, November 23, 2008
I'm only a little nauseous today, and I actually got dressed. That's a big day for me lately. I have made it to Daily Strength, but I have so many different problems that I have no idea which group I should try and join. Sometimes I feel like a hypchonriac. Between diabetes, high blood pressure, rheumatoid arthritis, gout, PTSD and depression, I truly am a mess.
Maybe today I will put dishes in the dishwasher and do a couple of loads of wash. Maybe today I will exercise a little, and hope that it doesn't hurt too much. Maybe today I will try and help myself. I know all the answers, I just don't seem to have the energy necessary to try most of the time. But today will be better, because I want to get better today.
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I'm getting better. I'm looking for a job, but I'm still really scared to leave my home. I'm doing it, but it takes every ounce of energy to go out and stay out. I have panic attacks and when I'm not having a panic attack, I'm afraid I'm going to have a panic attack. They feel like I can't breathe and my heart beats so fast that I'm frightened to death.
sprytling
I was 8 years old when my mother's cousin began molesting me whenever I visited my Grandmother. He was from Ireland and boarded with my Grandmother for years. I guess it stopped when I was about 11, but I've always felt guilty because when he was molesting me I never told anyone. He kept saying that when I got big he was going to marry me...and in my little girl mind I suppose I believed him.
When I was 15 I went to visit my grandmother who was ill at the time. I was supposed to take care of her. When Danny got up, I got up too. I thought my grandmother regularly fixed his breakfast and I should do so also. When he came into the kitchen, I kissed him rather than him kissing me. He had been tongue kissing me from the age of 8 mind you...but he pushed me away as if that had never happened and he was shocked at my actions. I was really confused and I never told anyone about that either.
As I got older I knew that he had been molesting me and that it had not been a normal relationship.
Yesterday I talked with a cousin of mine who I had not spoken with in years. In the course of the conversation she told me that she had been molested by that cousin as well. She also said that she had a breakdown in 1990's because of that and other things in her life.
I feel horrible. Maybe if I had told she wouldn't have been hurt. But more than that, I just feel awful. It's as if I finally have verification that what I thought happened , really did happen, and not only to me. I feel so wierd. It's not as if he was the only molest, but he was the only adult, and I had it in my mind that sex was what girls were made for. It took years for me to realize that thinking was skewed.
sprytling
I'm still trying to undo the "sex is what girls are made for" mentality, even tho I know it's skewed too...sprytling, we CAN overcome this. Try not to feel guilty about anything. How old were you when he molested you? Try to think back at how young and innocent you were and what your thinking was at the time. Were you afraid to tell, like I was? Most of us are afraid we won't be believed, then there is also sometimes fear of retaliation, and let's not forget the shame our molesters make us feel, the embarrassment and ..........the list goes on. Hun, you did the best you could with what you had at the time and you are not to blame, not for what happened to you and not for not telling. HE is to blame for all of this, the way you are feeling, the things that happened to you and the things that happened to your cousin. There is a kind of a positive side to this, if you care to look at it this way...you DO have verification now and you know. Now that you know, it gives you the power to deal with it and get your life back. Loves & Power for YOU
mtnmama62