Journal

okay so this is the first time in awhile i wrote how i felt since the last drunkenly written journal.

I feel like everything is going wrong, and I feel like i can't deal, but i know i don't want to do anything drastic, but I'm being tempted to visit my past friendships and indulge a little, but i know i shouldn't. My mom dies and i'll never get her back, my dad moved to Louisiana, I'm stuck with no where to go in VA, and I feel like there is no hope left for me. I try to get away from my paretns b/c they put me through hell, i moved in with my grandma b/c she loved me and i loved her and i thought i could get away from it, but now she's starting. She wants to move into another place, pawning my things, borrowing and never returning my money, and i keep having reoccurring nightmares where i wake up crying. I'm feeling alone again, and I'm slumping into a depression, and i don't see a way out for another year or two. i feel like crying, drinking, cutting, going insane, something that i want to take the pain away, but i know it won't. I wish i just had someone, anyone to talkto, to hold me, to tell me everything is alright, someone who would never leave me, is there such a soulmate out there for me?

I'm so tired of moving. I'm so tired of not being listened to. My life is going down the drain all in 5 months of this new year! My mom dies, my dad has a near death experience, my aunts Patty and Debbie are fighting with each other, my gma is gong out of her mind, my gpa is dying slowly but surely, my aunt Kathy is pretty much extremely bipolar, my aunt Nancy died, and all within 5 months! My god what is wrong woth my family, and to top it off my cousin who gives me ride is getting higher and higher on her horse and doesn't realize that what goes up must come down, and my gma isn't like that too well, and everything is just going so wrong! I feel  like I'm going insane, and if anyone else in my family dies I'm sure I will!  I have one more year of school, and I hope I can make it through that before I go down my dark/doomed past path, and just go back to what I hoped I left behind, but if anything else goes wrong, my past nightmares will become realities once more! I wish someone was there to listen, not judge, who will talk to me. I'm just so sick and tired of it all!

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